My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear
by Elphaba-Rose
Summary: What would your father say if you told him you were in love with your brother? There are some things you just have to keep to yourself. Xposted to TC comm. Slash. Thank Raphael for the rating. Gotta love your RaphLeo angst.
1. Chapter 1

A.N: This was originally posted over on the Turtlecest comm (You should go check it out, there are some awesome people over there) and seeing as the second chapter is almost ready, I thought I would post it over here to see the feedback and responses. I know not everyone is aware of the community so that's why I've cross-posted. Hope you all enjoy it.

My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear

Chapter One

Y'know, he seriously pisses me off sometimes. O' course, Mike and Don do too, but Leo's the one who really gets under my skin. He gets me so angry, and it takes all my damn control to curb the urge to thrash that smug smirk right off his face. Most of the time I do, if Sensei's not around or we're sparring, but there are times when I just walk away. Yeah, I admit they're rare, but they happen. It's better'n the other thing I could do to shut him up, which I'd probably prefer, but I think that would get a worse reaction than the punch.

God I must be one sick fuck, thinking about kissing to shut him up, so what the hell am I when I think about pinning him to the floor and robbing him of all that damn control he's always bloody harping on about. I'd love t'see him squirm and cry out underneath, submitting to _my _power. He's 'human' just like the rest of us, likes to be touched down there just like the rest of us. Or at least I think he does, can't exactly go up to him and say 'Hey Leo, d'ya like masturbatin' or are ya as frigid as you seem?' Yeah, that'd definitely go down well. He'd probably have a heart attack right then 'n' there, he likes t'pretend he's never eve heard of the word sex. I know better.

I know there's more than lust for him though. I don't like to think about it because lust I can actually forgive myself for. I mean let's face it, when are we gonna get off with any humans, male or female? Get real. I think we all know that deep down, even Mike. So can ya really blame me for thinking about such drastic measures? Nah didn't think so. So that, that I can kinda understand. Kinda.

But what I don't get is when there's no lust, but, this is hard t'explain, care. I think that's the right word. It's not 'cause he's my big bruv, it's not that simple. No it's like when he's worried about something, I want to just hold him until it passes, or I'll want to spend the night in his bed, just to lie next to him. Of course I don't want Mike or Donny worrying but this is different. It's like I want to be _with _him, like a mate or a partner.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am one sick fuck. Our life's been pretty screwy so far but this really takes the damn cake, falling for your own brother. I'd rather fight a million Stone Generals than fall for cocky, teachers' pet, perfect Leonardo. But y'know, since when has life been super duper fantastic when you're a mutant turtle? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bastards.

I hated him for leaving. I don't give a shit about him being a better leader. I liked him fine the way he was. But no, he's always trying to find a way to improve himself for us, and South America was the perfect opportunity. Personally I don't see how hanging out in some pissy jungle on your own makes you a better leader but hey, who am I t'argue with our wise and sagely Sensei? He can be a bastard too sometimes.

He never stopped me from going out all night and sleeping all day. He just let me go, giving the others some shit about Leo's trip being hard on me. A tiny part of me wanted him to stop me, give me some lecture about going out alone. But he'd always left it to Leo when he was here, so why should he start now? And so, the Nightwatcher was born. Geez doesn't that sound cliche?

Well he disappeared nearly as quickly as he came. Leo hated his guts, which made me do it more. C'mon jungle boy, let's hurt you just as much as you hurt me. The look on his face when I had him pressed helplessly against the concrete was just priceless. And yeah, I admit his lost look turned me on, but in a world where all he does is nag and order me around like he's some sort of superior turtle, it'd turn you on too. And then everything clicked into place.

When he was stolen from us, stuffed into that compartment like a bag of chips, I realised how much I'd missed him. Sure he pissed me off, but he cared for me, understood me, even envied me, and I knew I couldn't let him go again, whether he walked away willingly or not. God I'm getting soppy in my tired state.

It's been a long couple of weeks since he got back. Too long, and full of awkward, half-hearted conversations, bitter arguments and things unsaid. But I'm hoping everything's over now. I want things to go back to how they were before he left and I can carry on wanting him in the silent sickness of my mind. That sounded poetic didn't it? Bah I need sleep. Good, long, uninterrupted sleep with no goddamned dreams of him. He does my nut in enough during waking hours.

I looked up from my brooding spot at the table to see Donny come from our Fearless Leader's bedroom looking as exhausted as I feel. God, Don must be ready for collapsing. Every time I see him he's working, either on the phone lines or on some project or other he's obsessed with.

Makes me piss watching him answer the phone. It's as if some people ring in and be total dipshits on purpose just to wind him up. Even _I _know ya gotta turn the damn computer _on _first before ya try to do anything. And when he was telling me about this one woman after a sex line, well, I was in stitches. Bet he didn't know what to do with himself.

I shouldn't laugh at him really. He's the one out there earning money so we don't have to scrounge off April all the time. What we'd do without her or Casey, I dunno. Probably live off dumpster rations. And I respect Don or Mike for getting up off their butts and earning money. I feel sorta bad leaving it to them but what would I do? Charge for bodyguard services?

We're gonna struggle a little now Mike's given up the creepy party costume but hey I don't blame him. The pay was shit and he had to put up with all those noisy brats for hours at a time. Wouldn't do it for a million bucks. I'd end up going psycho. Kids drive me crazy. Shell a lotta things drive me crazy, but kids specially. Nearly as much as Leo and that's saying something.

Nah we're better off without the party business. Okay maybe not financially but I know Mike couldn't have gone on much longer. Something else will come up eventually. I know he's looking at this video game tester advertisement in the paper. He just about wet himself when he saw it. Must seriously be his dream job, playing video games for a living. Dork.

"Is he okay Donny?" I heard Mikey ask the question we were all waiting up t'hear the answer to.

"Absolutely fine, just needs a day or two to rest," Don replied sleepily, rubbing his sore eyes.

I breathed out silently in relief. I could go to bed without worrying now. God I sound like him. Hell I know Don's drugged him a few times since he got back from the jungle just so he'd sleep peacefully. I don't think he's ever noticed the extra something Don's slipped in his tea on occasion, or maybe he has and just hasn't said anything as if he knows he needs the sleep? Nah what am I thinking? This is Leo here.

"Is everything alright Raphael?" I felt Master Splinter lay a cool and reassuring paw on my shoulder.

"O'course Sensei," I replied quietly, cradling my soda bottle. It was cold, colder than my hands.

"Your shoulders are tense," Splinter sighed, rubbing firmly with his thumbs deep into my skin. I had to fight the urge to close my eyes and breathe deeply.

"'M fine Sensei, just a li'l uptight I guess," I shrugged uncomfortably and he took the hint to let go.

"I was very proud of you tonight Raphael," He murmured solemnly, eyeing the bottle in my hands.

He hardly ever told me he was proud of me, hadn't done so since we were kids. I remember he often told Donny he was proud of him, he was the one who built things to make our lives easier, the one _saving_ those lives when we were hurt. We were all immensely proud of our Donatello, even if he can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but he's a brother, all brothers can be.

I've heard Splinter say he was proud of Mikey too. It's usually if he's made dinner special one night, or if he's managed to do some meditating without fidgeting or something. Little things compared to Don's big things. The two youngest.

He hasn't said he was proud of me since I helped Mikey when he'd hurt himself when we were on a training exercise topside. That was like five years ago, something stupid like that. I'm the bastard son, the black sheep, the one you want to hide away when important people are over. He's never proud of me.

You'd think with Leo being Mr. Fucking Perfect he'd hear those words all the time. But I've never heard Splinter say it to him. His own flawless son, Splinter Jr, resident kiss-ass, and I don't think Splinter's ever said he was proud of him either. Not when he got back from that bloody jungle, not when he learns a kata before anyone else. Never.

And I dunno why. He always acts like Leo is better than us, like we're just a bunch o' two year olds who can't look after themselves. You'd think he'd be sounding like a broken record, singing that damn boy scout's praises. O'course, he might be, during one of their 'private talks' but I don't think so. Leo always comes outta there lookin' like his pet hamster just died. Not that he has a pet hamster.

And I want t'just hold him. God I sound like a right queer. But I want to know why he looks like someone's just pissed on his strawberries. But that's not the damn point here.

Leo and I, the oldest, are always the ones to disappoint. I've noticed that over the years. Don and Mike could get away with murder when we were younger, but never me and Leo. It's strange, before this whole Winters shit I used to think those private lectures and lessons were something to be jealous of. Y'know, special leadership treatment and crap.

But listening in on that talk Leo and Splinter had that night when he got back from the jungle didn't make me jealous, just angry. And I know Splinter didn't know I was there at first otherwise he would have told me to get lost. When Leo said he was sorry he'd failed, the old rat didn't bother correcting him, just said he was much stronger.

Big whoop. I'm strong, Mike's strong, even Don's strong. Doesn't he realise that wouldn't stop big bruv's guilt trip? He doesn't know him like I do. No one does. Hell, even I don't know him as well as I could. Leo probably likes it that way, I dunno. Easier for him t'pretend he's an emotionless dick, I dunno. I don't know a lot of things about him but I know more than our father.

"Thanks Sensei," What could I say? I'm no good at talking about stuff like this. I mess it up big time.

"Do not be too late retiring, it has been a long day for all of us, especially for you and Leonardo," Splinter murmured. I simply nodded and he left for his own room, bidding us all goodnight.

"Dude, I am _beat_," Mikey sighed dramatically, collapsing onto the chair opposite me.

"Go to bed then," Donny chipped in, braving the fridge to find a soda.

"I'm to tired t'even do that," Mikey moaned, resting his head on the table and speaking into the wood. Don joined us with his soda. Makes a change from bloody coffee all the time.

We sat in silence for a while and I don't think it could be any more awkward even if we tried. Things had slipped without Leo, and I wasn't the only one who knew and daren't admit it either. This is probably the first time we've sat together like this since jungle boy left. Feels broken, like there was so much shit we wanted to say, but couldn't spit it out.

"Raph," Donny ventured thoughtfully, carefully.

I grunted to let him know I was reluctantly listening. I wasn't in the mood for his techno geek speak tonight. Then again, when am I?

"Why did you give up the Nightwatcher?"

Mikey's head snapped up and looked at me curiously. He'd been there when I gave Splinter my helmet, but he didn't know my reasons for it. And Don had been with Leo at the time, so Perfect Leader had no idea what I'd done. He's probably sleeping by now anyway.

The truth? I did it for Leo. Hell I loved my vigilantism, but I love my big brother more. Leo despised it. I don't know why, it was basically the same as my patrols, as my outings with Casey. I don't get why he was so determined to stop the Nightwatcher. He seemed to hate it even more when he knew it was me.

He wanted it to stop, so I gave it up. Probably the only decent thing I've done for him recently. Least I could do really, after quitting on him, nearly killing him and letting him get turtlenapped. But y'know, I'm hoping we can let those things slide.

"I dunno. New start, things back to normal and all that," I shrugged carelessly, rolling the soda bottle in my hands. It was warm now.

Donny nodded and stared into his own bottle, silently musing and mulling over my answer. Mike rested his chin back on the table, yawning so wide I could see his back teeth. Then he frowned and turned his head in Don's direction.

"How come Raph didn't need like three days rest?" He asked worriedly, words slightly slurred due to his cheek mashed against the table.

"Different tranquillising fluid," Donny shrugged, waving a hand dismissively. "They wanted to capture Leo and retain him for a lengthy amount of time. Therefore, he needed to be sedated for longer, so consequentially he'll be feeling out of it for a couple more days," He explained.

I couldn't bring myself to get worked up about it. Don wasn't worried, so there was no need to. Mike relaxed now he knew something wasn't drastically wrong. I know Leo wouldn't agree to three days worth of bed rest though, and I think Donny knew it too. Leo is the worst patient any doctor could ask for. Bet if he was awake he'd tell me I was no angel either.

"I'm going to bed," Mikey spluttered after a particularly long yawn. He lifted his head, displaying a wood-patterned circle imprinted on his left cheek.

"Best idea you've had all day," Don smiled tiredly, reaching up to rub the textured area of Mike's cheek where it had gone numb pressed against the table.

"Night bros," Mikey gave a feeble wave then went to his room. We didn't hear the sound of video games or anything so he must have gone straight to sleep.

"He really is going to be okay you know," Donny mumbled, watching me carefully.

"I know," I answered simply.

It wasn't Leo's health I was worried about. I was concerned about us, our relationship. I know he thought I hated his guts, and that was kinda reinforced by the fact I nearly killed him for fuck's sake. I was just so angry, angry at everything. I hated him for leaving, hated Master Splinter for suggesting it, hated myself and how I felt about him.

I fought like I had nothing to lose when I actually had everything to lose, and I very nearly did. The thought of losing him being my fault hurt more than the damn anger. It burned inside like a wildfire. And I thought if I ran off, got away and cleared my head, it wouldn't hurt as much. Only that was one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

I'm not saying it was all my fault, but I suppose if that hadn't happened, we'd probably still be at each other's throats. We needed that fight. Needed to get it out of our systems. God I sound like Donny. He's always going on about our bloody hormonal system. 'Don't worry Mikey. It's just their hormones.' I'll give him hormones. Dick.

"Maybe you should go to bed brainiac," I rolled my eyes carelessly. He was practically falling asleep on his root beer.

That's false advertising you know. Last time I checked there wasn't a trace of alcohol in it. Took Casey three cases of the stuff and wondering why he wasn't pissed out of his head before he realised.

"I am, don't worry about that. Aren't you? You look tired," He frowned, getting up to put his empty bottle in the trash.

"I'm fuckin' knackered," I sighed, leaning back and closing my eyes. "Just can't wind down,"

"Maybe if you saw Leo...? Put your mind at rest and everything?" He suggested quietly.

"Nah," I leaned on the table again and opened my eyes. "I'm good,"

"Well alright. Goodnight Raph,"

"'Night Donny,"

I waited until I heard his bedroom door close before I took another swig of soda. Probably shoulda chosen beer, might've helped me sleep. But Leo and Sensei don't really like drinking the stuff. Not that they're awake now but I'm too tired to drag myself to the fridge.

Insomnia has been hitting me hard lately. Since Leo got back. It's all down to him in the end, bloody prick. I really hate not being able to sleep. It seriously bugs me. Don and Mike have rooms beside mine which means chances of getting a decent night's sleep is probably the same as Leo planting a good one on me tomorrow morning. Yeah, zero. If it's not Don clacking on that computer all night, its Mike's loud and violent video games. Maybe I should swap with Leo. See how he likes being kept up all night.

Nature called so I got up, chucking my soda bottle in the bin as I passed. It was quiet now, but I could still hear Don's computer humming as I walked past his door. Must put him to sleep 'cause he's always out like a lamp whenever I've seen him asleep. I didn't bother locking the bathroom door.

When I'd finished, I returned to the kitchen, thinking of maybe getting a beer or something. I needed something to put me to bloody sleep. It wasn't empty when I got there. Speak of the devil and he's sure to appear. Bastard sounds like the Shredder.

I could see he was still knackered by the way he stood. His posture was slumped and rounded, instead of straight and tall like it usually is. There wasn't that air of confidence either, the one that pisses me off and turns me on all in one go. He was waiting for the kettle to boil, no surprise there. Probably couldn't sleep either.

"You should be in bed," God that sounded stupid. First words I speak properly to him and I tell him t'go to bed. Smooth Raphael.

"I couldn't sleep," He shrugged.

Even his damn voice sounded shattered. Like he was too tired t'be angry or smug or anything. I shook my head, not knowing what to say. He didn't say anything when I got a beer from the fridge and I didn't expect him to. The silence was awkward, like we both wanted to say something but we weren't exactly sure what.

I wanted t'apologise, tell him I was stupid, take back all the nasty shit I said to him. I had no idea what he wanted to say. Yell at me maybe, or perhaps he's writing this fuck-off long lecture about why I'm not the leader and why I'm a shit brother in his head. Gimme a break Fearless. I already know it. Get off your high horse 'n' maybe you'll notice that.

The kettle broke the quiet, letting out a shrill whistle to let him know his water was hot enough. I watched him pull his Harry Potter mug (Fucking Harry Potter, the big girl!) Across the counter towards him. I could see his hands shaking as if JK Rowling just said she was gonna rewrite the ending of book seven and kill everyone.

God that caused a ruckus in this house. Don had to order four copies 'cause there were fights over who'd read it first. Who woulda guessed Splinter liked wizards and crap. I left 'em to it, went out with Casey, who is thankfully oblivious t'Warthogs or whatever it's called. I think it was Leo who finished it first, whoo big deal. Can't believe even Mikey read the damn thing. Still, he couldn't sit still and concentrate for more than half an hour at a time so it took a while.

Leo yelped so loudly I wondered where the sound had come from. He hurriedly placed the kettle back onto the counter and cradled his wet, sore, burnt hand. Guess he'd been shaking too much. I put my bottle down and took his hand without question. Surprisingly, he didn't try to stop me.

He hissed when I stuck his hand underneath the icy jet from the cold tap. He didn't say anything though and neither did I. Seems kinda weird, holding his hand like this, gently, as if it might snap. He looked as if he might cry, and for once, I didn't want to take the piss out of him.

"Keep it there," It was a stupid thing to say, like everything else I've said lately. He knew if he took it out it'd burn like fuck again. I sound like a freaking idiot tonight.

I took bandages from the box in the cupboard and soaked them in the tap water. I've never really treated burns before. All the Nightwatcher ever got were a few bumps and bruises, but I know hot water scalds sting like a bitch. Best I could do was just cover it 'n' let Donny take care of it in the morning. If he's awake, 'cause I gotta feeling we're all gonna sleep 'til Christmas.

His hand was red raw, kinda like when Mike tangoed Donny once (Bet that bloody hurt), but he still didn't say anything whilst I was wrapping it. The cold water would help stop it from stinging so much, and it should have worn off by the time the bandages dry. Should have. I'm no doctor.

"Thanks," He whispered, still feeling the need to nurse it tenderly against his plastron.

"No prob," I shrugged, hooking my hands in my belt.

He looked dead on his feet, standing before me in the dim light. I probably didn't look much better. Didn't really feel much like going to bed at all now Fearless was up and had managed t'hurt himself already. Before I could open my mouth t'say something, anything, towards an apology, he spoke first. Pretty much like how he always says sorry first.

"Raph I...I'm sorry for what I said...earlier, on the rooftop," He murmured, avoiding my eyes.

He didn't haveta say what. I knew perfectly well what he meant. He said some pretty mean shit too, but the thing is, his was probably true. Hey, Fearless never lies. He might bend the truth about some things, but he'll never tell a lie. He was right. 'Cept for that whole better than you thing. I just know I'm better'n him at some stuff. And I just gotta have a bigger cock than him, otherwise that just takes the damn piss.

"It's okay, we both said things we didn't mean," I replied cooly, lifting my shoulders again.

"Mmm," He sort of agreed and leant against the counter, still holding his burnt hand. There was a puddle of hot water still on the surface where it had spilt but neither of us felt like cleaning it up.

Looking at him I suddenly noticed the large bruise on his left cheekbone, where I'd backfisted him in our earlier fight. I hadn't seen it before but now he was in the light it practically screamed at me. Neither of us had been slacking, I had just as many bruises as he did, even though I had won.

Pinning him like that, with my sai near his throat, both turned me on and horrified me, but seeing him now, exhausted and hurt, I don't feel any of that. Just a numb longing, something inside that makes me want to hold him, let him cry, then put him to sleep, only to be there when he wakes up. Whoo tacky romance novel alert. Someone shoot me.

I don't know what it is about tonight that's making me want to touch him and reassure myself he's still here so badly. Maybe it's 'cause we so nearly lost him I dunno, but something inside me is determined to feel his skin beneath my hand, even for a moment. Geez I sound so damn cliche.

I took a step forward without realising I'd done it until I was right in front of him. So close I could just hear his quiet breathing, another thing so controlled I wanted to break it all with a single touch. For God's sake, it's so damn frustrating! When I think about all the things I want to do to him, I just want to give myself a good hard sucker punch.

I touched his cheek softly, where it was bruised. He didn't gasp in pain or anything but his breath hitched and he closed his eyes wearily for just a second, I didn't press down or cause discomfort and he didn't move, just let me stroke his cheek.

I think he was as confused as I was. I never know what he's bloody thinking. He's always so freaking reserved. How could I tell if he was enjoying it when his facial expression didn't change? How could I tell if he wanted me to stop when he just let me do it? I didn't want to stop touching him, but I wanted some reaction.

I'd leant in and kissed him before I knew what I was doing. It felt weird. Here I was, doing something I wanted to do for god knows how long and all I can bloody think about is how our mouths still press together even though they seem too wide and our beaks too big. His mouth was soft, and tasted mildly of green tea.

He broke off with a pained hiss, looking down and cradling his burnt hand once more. Must've forgot and used it to brace himself against the counter. He opened his mouth to say something but I didn't give him the chance, kissing him again and holding his biceps this time. He was cold, colder than my hands.

I didn't want to give him the time to say what the fuck are you doing, get off me you sick homo. Only of course they wouldn't be his words. No I wanted to do this while I could, while I didn't feel guilty and his mouth felt so damn good. A feeble push on my shoulder got me to withdraw. Well it was hot while it lasted.

"What are you doing?" His whisper was soft, curious, not a bit angry or confusing. It was almost as if he wanted more. I couldn't help but smirk widely.

"Somethin' I shoulda done a long time ago,"

_He _kissed _me _this time, pressed _his _mouth against _mine. _He was hot, forceful, despite being so tired, and I found myself holding onto him tighter, kissing back so hard it seemed even now we were in competition.

It was strange and more thrilling knowing it was against the rules. That's what I did, broke all the rules I could just because I could, whereas he was careful, cautious. Not tonight. Tonight, he was breaking them with me and that was proof enough. He wanted to lose control just as much as I wanted to smash it.

God we're both sick fucks. Who woulda guessed this was what he wanted, wanted it just as much as I did? Since when or why I didn't care. What mattered was he did, and he was giving as good as he was getting. For a moment, I just didn't care about a damn thing, and I don't think he did either.

"You taste like beer," He grumbled but it didn't stop him, he carried on coming back for more.

"'N' you taste like shitty green tea but ya don't hear me complainin'," I argued back, nipping his bottom lip. He gasped and kissed me again, making me chuckle.

I dunno how long we were up, making out in the dim light of the kitchen but I bet we both sleep well now. Sounds like some cheap chick flick. I need t'stop making this sound like some romance movie, 'cause it ain't. Sooner or later I know someone's gonna get hurt.

I'll make him lose control alright, just not yet. There's a time and place for that, 'n' right now my brother (God that sounds sick now) needs comfort and stability. I can wait, because there's not just love there. There's something else, something that pisses me off just as much as it exhilarates me. He was warm now. 

To Be Continued

A.N: Right, thanks for reading guys, now let's hear some responses. The next chapter shouldn't take too long to be posted at all, it's just about finished. This will have a genuine plot with it. You guys know what I'm like for my angst lol, I just can't get enough. You have no idea how many times my grammar checker was like "This is an offensive term. Please consider revising." Lol so anyway, thanks again and take care. Love you all.


	2. Chapter 2

A.N: Thankfully this wasn't too late, finally cranked it out lol. Hope you enjoy it.

My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear

Chapter Two

I hate to say it, but I miss the jungle. Everything was just so simple there. It was either sunny or it rained, it always smelled clean and fresh, and it was always secret and mysterious. New York on the other hand was totally different. The weather never seemed to make up its mind, it stank of pollution and death, and it was never quiet, always deafening, overpowering. The jungle didn't have Raph either.

Don't get me wrong, I missed Raph especially, but everything's become so complicated with him. When I was in the jungle, I had nothing but my own thoughts, my memories. Raphael only did what I remembered, what he'd already done. Now I'm at home again, and he does nothing how I remembered. He's so unpredictable.

Things have been hard lately. It's my own fault for staying away longer than I meant to. It's just, in the jungle, I could be Leonardo, I could be me. And yet at home, I have to be the Fearless Leader. Does that make sense to you? It's like before I went away, my whole life was a stage, and I was only an actor. I had my interval, and now it's time to go back to the play.

Raph would probably laugh at me if he heard me talking like this. We're so different, and yet we're also very alike. That sounds crazy I know. I don't get it myself. A lot of the time he just makes me feel so angry and frustrated, and at other times he makes me feel extremely proud and protected, even loved. Those are the times when I feel the most confused, because Raphael is my brother.

I know incest is wrong, I know it would ruin our family, but I just can't stop thinking about him. How he looked when they rescued me, how he helped me stand when it was all over, how he took care of my scalded hand and, oh god, how he kissed me and touched me last night. What the shell am I doing? This is wrong, wrong, wrong! Good leaders don't fall in love with their brothers!

Oh god I can just hear Master Splinter's voice. _Leonardo, you have disgraced and disgusted this family. _I can see Mike and Donny's horrified faces. I can see April and Casey casting me out. People used to get murdered for falling in love with their siblings for crying out loud! Has he not read _Tis Pity She's a Whore_ or even _Hamlet_? It's bad for a reason!

I need to find Raph right _now _and demand this stops, whatever this is. What on earth possessed him to do that last night? Well, yes, it was very enjoyable but that's not the point! Surely he's thought about this? He's not stupid when it comes to his feelings. Granted, he doesn't openly show them, but he knows the deal when it comes to matters of the heart. That's one of the reasons I love him so in fact.

Or, I would go tell him if I didn't feel so tired and achy. Damn it all! I've put up with broken bones, serious burns and pouring wounds and yet a bit of tranquillising fluid renders me almost useless. I've never felt this exhausted before. Forget the final battle with the Shredder and Karai piercing me in the ribs, this is it.

I stretched out the kinks, wincing slightly as a few bruises pulled, then folded my arms behind my head. It was still early morning and my bed was so comfortable and warm I didn't feel like doing anything at all but stay there all day. However, you take one day off then it turns into two, then three, and so on. I think I've had enough days off for a lifetime.

I know staying in the jungle for a year over my original six month training period was the worst thing I've ever done. If I'd have returned home when I should have, none of this mess would have happened. It's my fault. It's my fault Donny is so exhausted and overworked all the time. It's my fault Mikey doesn't feel comfortable around his brothers anymore. And it's my fault Raph has become so alone and hateful. I don't mean this in a bigheaded way but I'm the glue holding this family together. Without me, Don would work himself into an early grave, Mike would smile so much he'd forget how to feel, and Raph, Raph would just...vanish.

And I knew this, yet I still didn't come home. I just couldn't. Of course I missed my family. It was like a permanent ache in my heart. It would hurt a little more when I thought about Raphael, but that soon faded, and I was grateful for it. I didn't want to think about him.

I was on a training mission to become a better leader. I couldn't be distracted by incestuous thoughts about him. I think that was one of the reasons why I stayed past the six months. If I went back, those thoughts would come back with a vengeance and slap me in the face. If I stayed where I was, I could stay in my own little world and try to forget all about those feelings.

I began to lose track of time. It was just the same day over and over again. All I had to think about was myself. I feel guilty about it, because it almost felt good. I kind of forgot how to worry, I was so overwhelmed by my freedom. I soon came back to earth when April found me.

I don't know why I revealed myself to our old friend, I could have so easily lost her. I think a part of me I tried to ignore knew I had gone too far and it was time to accept my responsibilities once more. I didn't know whether to be excited, or miserable.

Despite my mixed feelings, I did tell April the truth. There _was _something missing, something I hadn't quite figured out. And now I've lost my chance. I will never have another opportunity like that again, and that fills me with regret, because I'll never find that missing piece. It's lost in the jungle somewhere, whatever it was.

April is the only person who knows I didn't fully complete my mission. I tried explaining it to Master Splinter but he didn't quite understand me. He didn't understand that I felt like a failure for losing this piece of me and not finding it. I can't bring myself to tell any of my brothers, especially not Raphael. I think he'd probably laugh.

But then again, I'm not so sure anymore, especially after last night. He is so unpredictable. He confuses me so much. I thought he truly hated me. What other impression could I get after everything that happened? And then he kisses me so tenderly it throws all logical thought out of the window.

He didn't explain himself. He left before I could say anything, leaving me stunned with bruised lips and no answers. I know his game, I wasn't forced to study strategy for hours for nothing. He knows I need answers, so I will come back for more to find them. He's partially right, I do need answers, but I have my own ways of getting them.

And I guess I have answers for him too. If he wants them is another question entirely. Raph is not a let's-talk-about-our-feelings person, he likes to live in the moment. Me? I don't really like to sit around and talk about my feelings either, but I do like explanations. I like to know reasons and logic, why this happened, how he came to these conclusions. And Raph knows this, which is why he gave me nothing but thrills last night.

I admit I'm curious. I said some awful things to him, gave the impression I loathed him just as much as I thought he did me. Of course most of it was all lies, certainly the part I regret most. I am not better than Raphael.

Of course there are areas in which I excel and he lags behind and vice versa. I don't know why I said it. I was scared, and angry, and lonely. I thought that if I relented, and agreed with him, let him bring me down, I would lose myself even more. And if I lost myself, I'd be further away from him that I already was. He wouldn't be interested in the fight any longer if I conceded defeat.

I want to tell him this, I want to tell him how sorry I was. Something tells me he already knows, or doesn't care, otherwise I don't think he'd have kissed me. I don't know. It's so complicated. Would he even listen to me? He's such a physical person, whereas I'm probably neither physical nor emotional. Or perhaps I'm a mixture of both. I'm not too sure.

I rolled over onto my side, suddenly feeling a strong ache for the jungle and freedom I missed. I'd come home and Master Splinter almost treated me as if I'd never left. The moment I returned leadership was dumped back onto my sun-worn shoulders, nearly dragging me to the floor with the weight I'd very nearly forgotten. I'm not sure if I was thankful for that or not.

It was certainly a shock to my system, becoming responsible for three others once more literally overnight. I wasn't sure if I was ready, and I still don't. I shouldn't second guess Sensei like that, but I often think his faith in me is misplaced. How often have I been lectured for coming up short? And yet I'm still leader. I must be doing something right. Either that or Sensei believes only I have the temperament and will for such a task. That seems more likely.

I suppose I am the only true ninja among us. I'm the only one who would gladly sink into the shadows, unknown to the world. I think if it wasn't for my family, I probably would. However I need my family so very much. Master Splinter knows the thought if losing them is my one true fear. If I didn't have a family, I would become one of the _real _ninjas I have heard so much about.

But I _do _have a family and I would do anything for them. I just don't know how long I can continue supporting them so unselfishly like I am. I don't feel as strong as everyone thinks I am, certainly not since I returned home.

In the jungle, I could be that ninja. I could be my own boss, existing in those shadows as an unknown legend to the people of the village. I was so mysterious they named me a _ghost_. Here I'm a different ghost, one who is slowly collapsing under the weight of responsibility and the weight of an incestuous heart.

I miss the sun and the heat. My skin is slowly starting to lose its colour and hard leathery texture now I'm back in the darkness. Quite ironic really, almost hypocritical of me. I say I love the shadows, yet I also love that sun, because it was a different sun, it wasn't forbidden, not in the jungle where the vast foliage hid your every move.

I reached forwards in the blackness with my scalded, bandaged hand and quietly took the cold medallion from the box that served as my bedside table. I twisted it between it between my equally cold fingers, caressing every groove and curve. The metal made my hands smell. I didn't put it down though, staring beyond my bare, cracked wall.

Mikey needs people like he needs oxygen. Donny is too in love with science. And Raph? Raph is raw, passionate, erratic, even dangerous. He's everything I'm not, yet at the same time he and I are quite alike. But my point is, none of them could live like I do, because they can't change who they are, and because they don't know the full extent of it. I think Raph does, just a little, but not enough.

It's complicated. I don't like thinking about it because it doesn't always leave me in the best of moods. I sometimes hate leadership, and I hate myself for hating it. There's hate from me, hate from Raph, it's all hate. I can't get away from it.

And now I'm wondering if it _is _al hate from Raph. You don't kiss people you hate. Not unless you are seriously crazy. I mean, I wouldn't kiss Karai. Well, I probably wouldn't kiss her if I didn't hate her either but you get my point. I'm so damn confused.

Would he be up at this hour? I don't even know what day it is. Probably Friday, the morning after. It seems so long ago, let alone a few hours. It seems like the Winters thing happened years ago, and it's a decade since I've been in South America. Who would have thought a couple of kisses, a couple of hot, breathtaking, unbelievable kisses, would have thrown all time and logic out of balance?

I groaned and rolled over onto my shell. I don't usually like this position because I always have this stupid fear I'm not going to get back up again, like normal turtles, but at this moment in time, I don't really care. It doesn't look like I'm going to get any sleep anyway no matter how tired I feel.

I held the medallion before my eyes, just a warm shape in the darkness. My fingers were still cold. I gripped it tight. I don't even understand why Sensei had given it to me. Don had been the temporary leader. Mike had been trying so hard to keep this family together. Raph was the one who...became an antisocial bitchy vigilante. But he came through in the end. Why didn't one of them get the medallion? I don't understand.

Goddamn it all! I tossed the metal disk across the room, wincing at the loud thuds and clangs it made as it collided with the wall. I closed my eyes, aware my breathing was becoming harsh. I just want to sleep but I just can't stop thinking about all these things, and Raph.

It's just so wrong but I just can't help it. I tell myself not to do it, but I end up doing it more. I know it's not lust, because I don't do lust. At least, I try not to. There are times I crumble of course, but this isn't like that. This is just so different, and so new. It's hard to explain.

Let me put it into context. I was the one April came to about Casey, right? Not Master Splinter, or Donny, or even one of her own girlfriends. Me. And she told me that Casey had kissed her, and that she had enjoyed it, and he was all she could think about, and, despite all his faults, she could really see spending the rest of her life with him. And that is sort of how I feel for Raph.

Crazy and sick. I know.

I've tried consoling myself with the fact that we might not be blood-related, but it doesn't seem to work. That's because we've been raised _as _brothers, as a family. And real brothers don't go falling in love with each other. Incest, a game for all the family! Ew.

I sighed and rolled back over onto my side, cursing the squealing springs. My burnt hand was a bit sore still. I can't believe I was so silly to spill boiling water onto my hand but I was just so nervous. I was afraid of what Raph would say or do. I thought he still resented me.

In the morning, well, at a more reasonable time in the morning, I'll talk to him. As much as I want it, nothing like last night can ever happen again. I'm the leader for a reason, and I will not jeopardise this family over my screwed up feelings. Any relationship I start with Raphael will hurt Mike and Don, and I can't let that happen. Besides, we'll probably get hurt in the long run too. Because incest is a sin, and it's a sin for a reason.

Now I'd made up some sort of a plan, I felt ready to sleep. I feel like I could sleep until Easter, two years from now. Not going to happen. Sensei likes us up about six, ready for practice at seven, so I have time for a couple of hours' nap then it'll be back to business.

I don't know how long I slept for. I woke to the feeling of someone shyly touching my cheek, hesitantly as if I might be snatched away. For a fleeting hopeful second I thought it was Raph and I hurriedly opened my eyes, eager to find a tender look easing his features.

Instead it was Mikey, and I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed. He grinned sheepishly, as if he thought my abrupt awakening was a result of discomfort from his touch. I smiled in return, just to show it wasn't.

"Sorry bro, I was just...makin' sure you were still here," He offered feebly, still wearing that grin that made me wonder, especially when it faltered just a little.

Now there's nothing weird going on (I'd like to keep Karai as far from my mind as possible at the moment) it's time for me to truly sort this family out. I need to get Donny to lay off his work for a while and rest. I need to get Raph back into the family, and I also need to get Mike to stop hiding behind these wide grins, otherwise we're gonna lose him.

"I'm not going anywhere Mike, don't you worry about that," I reassured firmly, pulling myself into a sitting position with a quiet groan.

"Yeah, I felt like that too, even my aches had aches," He chuckled lightly, almost shyly. Then he held out his hand, offering me a steaming mug. "I bought you tea,"

I accepted it gratefully, cupping the hot porcelain between my cold hands. Mikey made good tea. Well, he makes pretty much good everything when it comes to food and drink. Tea, on the other hand, is a miracle drink. One sip and it's so calming it makes everything feel better. That and hot chocolate. Coffee just isn't the same. The bickering Donny and I get into over tea and coffee is just silly.

Silently, I pulled aside the bed sheets and shifted over, patting the now empty space beside me. Mike didn't need to be asked twice. He clambered into bed beside me, pulling the covers up tight. He leant against me and we sat soundlessly for a while, save for me blowing my tea cool.

"Is everyone else up?" I wondered as my brother yawned widely.

"I think so. Raph came and had breakfast an hour ago then disappeared again so he's probably gone back to bed," Mike shrugged, his voice clearly demonstrating he too wanted to go back to sleep.

"Resting for an evening as the Nightwatcher," I sighed dully, running a finger listlessly around the rim of my mug. To my surprise, Mike shook his head.

"Dude, he gave that up last night, Splinter has his helmet," He explained gently.

I frowned thoughtfully. He gave it up? But Raph must have loved the Nightwatcher. He was a lone wolf just like he'd always wanted. There was no one pulling him down or telling him what to do. He was his own leader.

"I don't understand," I murmured finally.

"You and me both bro! Geez, he is one confusing turtle!" My brother sighed sleepily, lazily closing his eyes.

We sat in silence again, until Mike dozed off and I finished my tea. I need answers. It's just a craving deep down inside of me I can't overlook until I have all the responses and can mull things over from every angle. I know I said I had different ways of solving the situation without going straight to him, but this is an entirely dissimilar matter.

Quietly and carefully I dragged myself out of bed, cautious not to disturb my peaceful baby brother. I felt better after that cup of tea. I left my room as soundlessly as possible and padded the short route across the walkway. Somehow, it seemed an age before I reached his door.

Now it came to it I felt nervous. What was I supposed to say to him? My business was about the Nightwatcher, not him. However this would be so much simpler if we hadn't made out all last night. Would things be awkward? Would he even _want _to talk to me? Maybe all that last night was just another way to vent out his feelings?

Well, I was here now, no turning back. Not unless I wanted Donny fussing and Sensei patronising, which I don't, not today. Today I need a break. I know I had a long enough in the jungle, but they've certainly made up for it since I've been back. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really love Donny and I know he's only fussing because he cares about me, but Sensei gets...frustrating, at the best of times.

Raph's room was quiet, but I didn't think he was asleep. He's probably brooding over a lot of things yet trying not to. He does that a lot. Or he used to. I'm not so sure anymore. I wish there was something about him I _was _sure about, his feelings for one.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door loudly, anxiously. I opened it before he could answer, stepping into his sanctuary and closing it behind me, leaning against it and looking around. I hadn't been in here since I left.

It hadn't changed much. There were dumbbells and old magazines still strewn across the chilly stone floor and the trashed-looking musicians still glared at me from their posters tacked to the dirty bricks. It still smelt the same too, a slight hint of musk and sweat, and I almost closed my eyes.

Raph himself was sprawled out across his bed, _Kerrang _magazine open across his lap. It looked odd seeing him read. He wore earphones instead of playing his cd player, a rare moment of care and consideration. He watched me nonchalantly for a few seconds then slipped off the headphones.

"You should be in bed," He said again. He told me that last night. Doesn't he have anything better to say to me?

"Is that an offer?" The words left my lips before I even had a chance to think about what I was saying.

He stared and blinked, then laughed outright. It was a sound I'd missed so much and I could have listened to it for hours if I didn't feel so embarrassed. What on earth possessed me to say it? I just...I saw him laid like that, careless, cocky, and it just triggered something within me.

"Not unless you want it, no," He chuckled at the heat rushing to my cheeks and I avoided his eyes.

"I...didn't mean to say that," I murmured eventually, looking to the left of me at some of the posters.

"Sure ya didn't, Fearless," I could hear the smirk in his voice and knew he didn't believe me. I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.

"I wanted to...ask you something," I began lamely, hooking my hands into my belt for lack of something better to do with them.

"Oh?" Raph raised a cocky eyebrow and I felt that something within me flutter unexpectedly.

"Yeah. Um...Mike told me about what you did last night, with the Nightwatcher and everything," I went on, feeling as awkward and shy as I sounded.

"No big deal," He shrugged carelessly, returning to his magazine listlessly.

Nervously, I perched on the corner of his bed, near his feet. Neither of us said anything for a while. I heard pages turning every so often and it gave me the opportunity to compose myself, as I was starting to feel tired once more.

"I thought you would have loved the Nightwatcher," I mumbled finally to the floor.

"Let me tell you somethin' Leo," He replied calmly, sitting up properly and tossing his magazine to the side. I glanced up, but his solemn look made me face my feet again. "I don't fall in love wi' anyone or anything, 'cause it just bites yo' in the ass," He explained softly, as if breaking bad news, and he sort of was.

"I thought you loved April," I frowned, my own voice just as quiet, but because of fear, confusion.

"_Don _loved April," He corrected firmly, swinging his legs over to sit beside me now. "He was the first to realise how pointless it is," He finished bitterly.

"He never told me this," I murmured, puzzled and slightly offended. Donny used to tell me everything, even if I didn't want to know it.

"You weren't here to hear it,"

His reply hurt and I turned my head away incase he saw. I know I screwed up, why does he have to keep reminding me? I just couldn't tell him why I stayed away so long. He wouldn't understand. He thinks I've failed too much as it is. The accusation stung deep, as if he'd said it with his sai and not his words.

"Why do you keep hurting me?" I demanded in a whisper. I wanted my voice to sound strong like his, but it just came out tired and meek.

I expected him to snap back some harsh and hateful comment, but he didn't say anything. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn't give him the satisfaction of looking up. I felt too weak, too weary.

It was a few seconds before I felt his hand creep its way onto my throat, stroking my flesh and making me shiver before grabbing my bandana tails and forcing my head back.

It was another minute before I realised what was happening. His bed was soft and warm from where he had laid. I was cold and shy, he was hot and heavy, leading the kisses the way _he _wanted them, twisting me to _his _will. His mouth was forceful and demanding, and I liked it as much as he did, if not more.

He pulled away suddenly, surprisingly tactful, leaving me gasping and wanting. I panted as quietly as I could, trying to ignore his smirk. But the smugness radiated from him like heat, pressing and raw. Hyper-aware from surprise and excitement, I felt him flip my bandana tails back over my shoulder, lingering teasingly on my skin before I saw him out of the corner of my eyes. My lips were swollen.

He let his hand fall.

"It's that love thing again, ain't it?" He answered my question with one of his own, egotistical and cocky.

He'd left me alone in his room before I knew it. It was silent now, and cold, as if he'd taken all the warmth with him. I clutched at my arms, seeking the warmth I couldn't give myself. I felt more confused than I'd ever felt before.

How is it that nearly every time I try to sort something out, it ends up turning out worse than it started? I go to sort out this Nightwatcher business and I end up with another situation on my hands. God I'll be needing another break if this keeps up.

What the shell was that supposed to mean anyway? What love thing? What's he talking about? The only thing he mentioned about love is that it bites you in the ass. But that just doesn't make sense? How is that relevant? It's not like I was saying he was _in _love with the Nightwatcher, because that's silly. I meant like the lifestyle, he loved the lifestyle. Unless _I _was the one who misunderstood, maybe he meant loving his life as the Nightwatcher would eventually lead to bad things. Which it will, in all fairness, but Raph's never been that philosophical about these things, he's not me.

And what did he mean by referring to it after I asked why he hurts me? Surely he's not implying that love is biting _my _ass? That just seems like Raph's pessimistic outlook on everything. I mean, don't think this is even love, just a...an infatuation, a moment of desperation surely. He can't mean that he's hurting me because he thinks I'm in love with him. Or, does he love me?

Oh God.

I don't understand. This is all just so overwhelming, bizarre. It's happening so quickly I'm finding it hard to grasp all the facts before they slip out of my reach. Why can't he just be straightforward? Honestly, it would save so much trouble, save all this frustrated thinking.

Master Splinter often says a good warrior is not someone who suffers through his battles alone, but someone who knows when to call upon the help of others and does so. I want to be a good warrior, a good leader, but who am I supposed to turn to about this?

I want to obey my master, I _need _to in fact, but I just can't. I must disobey to obey. Surely if I expressed my worries and feelings for Raphael, I will no longer be a part of the Hamato clan. I learnt long ago I mustn't keep my troubles to myself, because it makes you sick and unhappy, but this is one I'm afraid I shall have to keep to myself Sensei, I'm sorry.

I'm not exactly sure how long I stayed there, curled up on my brother's bed. I seized the sheets tight, breathing in his scent, so different to the jungle sweat. I fell asleep after a while, worn out from all the worrying and brooding. It hadn't been long since I woke up. I can't go on like this. I'll never be a good leader.

A.N: I really hope you enjoyed that lol. Ah don't cha just love the tension? Lol please review, they keep me going! No guarantee when the next update will come as I haven't started writing it yet and I have Impetus to finish. So have a good Christmas. Love you!


	3. Chapter 3

A.N: Apologies for the seriously late chapter. Was swamped with January exams and stuff. All done now though so let's hope I get my muse off his lazy ass lol and get some updates out. Hope you enjoy.

My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear

Chapter Three

I couldn't tell him the truth about the Nightwatcher, so sue m. If I had, he probably would've pissed himself laughing or not believed me. I mean, how often do I do something decent for him? Exactly. Only when he's in danger or something like that, like when he was turtlenapped by the Stone Generals, but that doesn't count.

Now I think about it, he's done plenty of shit for me over the years. How many times has he covered for me when I've snuck out? How many times has he took the punishments for my screw-ups? How many times has he listened to me when something is seriously wrong? God I'm a shit brother.

And yet he never says anything about it, just bears it on his sun-worn shoulders with the rest of the weight. And I never once thought about how he felt or what I could do to make that weight a little easier to bear. I was too wrapped up in making his lonely life as miserable as I could. Why? 'Cause I was jealous.

I wanted what he had, all the responsibilities, all the special treatment, all of it. I didn't realise all the shit that came with those perks 'til now. So I'm putting it right. I'm gonna be a decent brother to him. I'm gonna show him I can make him happy. Yeah I sound like a right queer.

And yeah telling him love is a bitch probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. I panicked. There he was, ready for answers, ready to listen to every word I said, and I wasn't prepared for that I was expecting him to start this fuck off long lecture about the Nightwatcher and why he thought I kissed him and why he kissed me back and all that crap. But I didn't get it, and it shocked me, I didn't know what to do.

So I remembered how much he hurt me, and I just wanted him to feel even the tiniest bit of that hurt. I know now how stupid that was of me. Leo takes pain and anger and emotions differently to me. He's always been so temperamental. Ha.

Yeah I said it, and I know it's hypocritical of me, but it's the truth. Most of the time, and I'm talking about before he left, he was unemotional, even cold. But then the slightest thing could set him off. A teasing insult meant as a joke will make him quiet and depressed. A reprimand from Splinter and he's sulking in the dojo all day, trying to make it right. See what I mean?

So god knows how what I said will effect him. He'll probably be meditating on it for hours. I shouldn't have said that last bit. He's bound to figure it out and I don't even fucking love him. I mean, of course I love him as a brother, but I'm on about like a partner.

This is seriously pissing me off.

Big time.

What do I tell him when he comes back? I can't keep lying to him, as much as I bloody want to. Nah bro, I don't wanna slam you against the wall and fuck you so hard you can't walk for two weeks and I'm definitely not falling in love with you either. Yeah he'd like that. He'd kill me. Bastard.

Gah, ain't life a bitch? You go around, saving old ladies from being mugged, chicks from being raped, kids from being bullied, and this is how it fucking repays you, by giving you a crush on your big brother. Someone up there must really find my life pretty fun to mess with. Dicks.

I sighed and chucked my magazine aside. I need a break. Maybe a good long one in some far away exotic jungle, see how he likes getting abandoned for a year and a half. Probably treat it like a mission him.

Wonder if Casey's up for some tonight. Beats hanging around here that's for sure. If it's one thing I hate, it's being bored on your own. Okay, so there's a lotta things I hate, but this especially. I mean, if you're bored with a mate, at least someone's with you.

It's not like that here. Mike's on his video games all night, Don's shut up in his lab and Leo's been meditating or something every night since he got back. Aren't we social butterflies. 'Least we have April and Casey. Without them I'd probably have gone mental years ago.

There's nothing to do around here anymore, one of the reasons I became the Nightwatcher. I could sleep all day and watch the streets at night, sorted. Not now though. Back to boring meaningless days and sleepless nights. Awesome. Maybe I should stop being so sarcastic...nah.

I got up from the empty kitchen table with the intention of grabbing my coat, fetching Casey and busting up a few Purple Dragons. Gotta do something to burn up all this frustration. Casey's loss if he has boyfriend duties. More like April's Bitch duties seriously. He should have it tattooed to his forehead: My name's Casey Jones and I'm April O'Neil's bitch. Gotta love the guy.

"Raph?"

I hadn't realised I'd walked past Donny's lab until I heard his voice, soft and enquiring. I turned around and he'd poked his head out of his door, nerd goggles pushed up onto his forehead. Those things always make his eyes like three times bigger, looks creepy.

"Can I have a word?" He asked casually.

I could tell this was far from casual though just by the way he looked at me. I was sorely tempted to tell him to piss off there and then but there was no getting rid of Don when he was in that mood. I'm speaking from experience here, he follows you everywhere 'til you've got no choice and have to talk about your feelings and shit. Ugh, makes me shudder.

I sighed and followed him into his lab, preparing myself for some long speech about why I have to apologise to Leo and I should stop fighting my emotions blah blah. Honestly, I have to prepare myself for _any _encounter with my brothers, whether it's Leo's lectures, Don's counselling geek speak or Mike's crazy babbling. Angelina Jolie give me strength.

I leant against one of the work tops lazily, folding my arms across my plastron with as much carelessness as I could muster. Something next to me fizzed and I glanced over to see some beaker full of bubbling chemicals which were spilling over and creating little burn marks on the protective gauze underneath. I moved over.

Just as my brother opened his mouth to say something, his phone rang. He groaned and held a finger up to indicate he'd be just a moment. I shrugged and rolled my eyes. I watched him answer it with vague interest. I valued my life too much to fiddle around with his 'projects'.

"Good afternoon, I'm Donny your friendly neighbourhood tech support, how can I help?"

I toyed with the idea of just leaving, but I don't think Don would appreciate that. He'd probably ambush me the minute I walked back through the door and then drag me away for twenty questions. Rather get it over and done with now then I can go out without the task of working out an escape plan to use when I got in.

"Your computer is 'acting funny'? How so?"

If he starts giving me some shit about how I've been a dick to everyone lately, mainly Leo, I'll tell him where to shove it. I don't need this, I've realised it enough by myself without everyone else piling it on me. Yeah 'cause I'm the one with the least problems right? No job, no responsibilities, no fucking life even.

"Sir, I'm going to need a little more to go on than 'it just is',"

Life's never just straight forward is it? There's always some shit going on that you've got no choice but to deal with, whether you deserve it or not. Well, I've got a lotta shit to deal with, and people just don't get that. They always think I chose to be this way. I chose to have an anger problem. I chose not to contribute round here. I chose to sleep all day like some hobo. Hell I bet people'd even think I _chose _to feel attracted to my own brother. I wish. At least that way I'd have someone solid to blame.

"Huh uh. Sounds to me like you have a virus sir,"

Wonder what Fearless is doing right about now. It's only been an hour since I said that crap to him and left him in my bedroom. He's probably shut up in his own, meditating or something. Sounds _thrilling_ bro. I really need to stop being so bloody sarcastic. But that'd just take all the fun out of life.

"No, not you personally sir, I meant your computer,"

I rolled my eyes at this guy. It's like they let people at the local mental hospital buy computers. Well, maybe not them, 'cause they'd have an excuse. God I really have no clue how Donny does it. I'd have thrown the phone outta the fucking window by now. Not that we have a window. I have no patience for idiots, seriously. Casey is an exception, 'cause at least he makes up for it when we go out.

"No sir, there's no need to take your computer to your GP,"

I had to repress a snicker at that one. Don gave me a tired and exasperated grin. I do feel sorry for him sometimes. I mean we do take him for granted a lot. Without him, I bet most of us, including Fearless, would be dead by now. And he'd never admit it, 'cause he's too damn modest, blames it all on luck and never skill, but we owe our lives to him.

"I suggest you phone our virus hotline sir...yes I'm very aware it's five dollars a minute,"

Getting fairly bored I glanced around his room for anything worth my attention. I saw the sick-looking throwing star one of Winters' Stone Generals had lobbed at me lying innocently on his desk. I'm glad it got lodged in my shell, that thing's fucking huge. Imagine that stuck in your throat. Talk about pain barriers.

"Yes sir, _of course _you knew it was a virus. I'm honoured you chose me to discuss your theory, thank you, have a nice day," If Don had pressed the disconnect button any harder, it woulda jammed. "Prick,"

I chuckled, more at hearing him swear than the actual situation. It's like hearing Splinter cuss. It's bloody funny honestly. First time I heard him swear I was in stitches for hours. One of his soaps had ended just as they were about to reveal who'd shot someone and Sensei let out an x-rated rant at the tv. Fucking hilarious. But now I think about it, I don't think I've ever heard Leo swear, no matter how frustrated he is. I'm tempted now to piss him off so much he swears. I bloody need a laugh, specially round this place.

"So come on brainiac, what's up?" I sighed, preparing myself for battle. Need to get my game face on if he's gonna start that shrink shit of his. Besides, there's no point beating around the bush, and he knows that as well as I do.

"I know what's been going on with you and Leo," He said bluntly, his face and voice professionally blank.

"What?! You saw us makin' out?" I demanded furiously, leaning forwards in a mad urge to sock him one for peeping.

"You made out?!" He cried, face contorted in shock. I paused and slouched back against the counter as sloppily as I could manage.

"...No,"

He sighed and shook his head, slumping backwards into his chair and leaving me feel kinda stupid, but indignant. I have my blonde moments. They're rare, but they happen. You'd think Casey would be blonde, then he'd have an excuse. It's not that I care if Don knows, I couldn't care less. It was more the idea of him watching, I do have some sense of privacy after all.

"I didn't see you, but I'm not stupid. I knew this was going to happen," He looked weary, and cupped his chin with a hand, resting the elbow on the arm of his chair.

"Yeah? Well if you're so all-seeing, why di'n'tcha say somethin'?" I snapped irritably, glaring at my brother. For once it didn't seem to phase him.

"Oh yeah, that'd go down well. 'Hey guys. Oh, by the way, you're gonna get attracted to each other and want to have sex.' Leo would have ran a mile and you would have rearranged my face," He scoffed, rolling his eyes and clearly looking unimpressed. I sniggered, more at the thought of Leo shrieking and running off like a girl.

"Yeah I would," I agreed honestly and he gave me an 'I told you so' look. I hate those.

"See? I've known for a long time, since we hit puberty. I wasn't exactly sure who, but I knew it. I thought maybe Mikey before Leo but this is no surprise," He shrugged, looking at me as if I were one of his experiments. I had to repress a shudder, those looks always freaked me out.

I frowned, taking this in. He _knew _this was going to happen between us? He knew two of us were going to develop these...feelings? This is just fucking crazy. I know Don's into some weird shit with his science, he likes looking at cloning and remodelling DNA and all sorts of stuff, but this is just mental.

"How did you know?" I wondered, my voice curious. I couldn't help it.

I know our life is majorly fucked up. I mean come on, giant turtles, aliens, bloodthirsty ninjas, Bishop, immortals and three-thousand-year-old curses? And that's not even half of it. It's a joke. And this just added one more to this sick existence. If we're going to go sleep with our brothers, might as well know why. Might even be slightly interesting...who am I kidding?

"Well, it's just a matter of instinct and options. Naturally we'd be attracted to other members of our own species. Secondly, there's only three other members of said particular species. So, it's understandable we'd eventually turn to each other, brothers or not. Family cannot dominate over the natural instinct to survive and reproduce I'm afraid," He explained softly, smiling sadly.

I thought about it in silence for a while. It made sense, unlike most of Don's scientific speeches, yet, at the same time, I still found it a little unbelievable. If it was just science, then why did Donny look so...dejected? I know he must've thought about this hell of a lot. He makes it sound like he wishes we wouldn't feel like this, wishes we could just stay brothers, kinda like how I do.

Then it hit me like a sucker punch.

"You like one of us?" A part of me was relieved I wasn't on my own, yet another part felt scared, almost disgusted at the both of us. Glumly, he nodded.

"Not anymore. I've moved on from him, realised he wasn't for me, that he was never going to feel the same," He shrugged, clearly no longer hurting, and sat back up in his chair properly.

"Who was it?" I asked quietly. I almost didn't want to hear it. He hesitated a second.

"...Leo,"

Strangely it didn't bother me, interested me, but not upset me. What is it about Leo? He's a complete teacher's pet, too serious, dripping with angst and OCD. But that's not what attracted me to him. I'd never thought about it until now, but I was surprised to see there was plenty of shit I liked about Leo, even though I obviously didn't show it.

He was protective, attentive to the tiniest detail, eager to please, athletic, compassionate, patient, god I could go on forever. I feel stupid. I've never told him any of this. I never even told him when we were kids and none of this mattered. Leo and I just aren't the type of people who feel okay with just saying what we feel. It comes easy to the other two, Mike especially. But not me and Leo, and I suppose that's why we go through some shit today. Our own fault really but whatcha gonna do about it?

Still, I couldn't help laughing to myself, and he grinned half-heartedly.

"Yeah, yeah I know. We're like schoolgirls fawning over the older guy,"

I stopped laughing and cleared my throat as manly as I could.

"It's just that some things happen, some don't, there's nothing we can do about it," He shrugged again, picking up a pen and twiddling it between his fingers.

"So you're saying go for it?" I grinned wolfishly at him and he offered me a lop-sided smile in return.

"I'm saying be careful. _I _don't give a damn what you do, but I can't say the same for Mike and Master Splinter. This...these relationships, well, they've been known to completely destroy families Raph. I won't let that happen just because you're both careless," His smile had faded, his expression now distant and severe. I couldn't take him seriously though. This is Don talking about sex and relationships for fuck's sake.

"Fearless and careless don't go together in the same sentence brainiac," I chuckled lightly.

"Hm," He half-agreed, still wearing that far-off look.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, suddenly feeling pretty pissed off by his attitude.

"Is that it?" I asked, exasperated, pushing off the counter to my feet, ready to go.

Seriously, I have some major Purple Dragon bashing to catch up on. And with the mood I'm in right now, it won't take long. Don finally looked at me again.

"Don't you dare hurt him," He said unexpectedly, pointing the pen threateningly at me. I let out an amused scoff.

"What am I gonna do? Fuck him so hard he can't sit down for a week?" I snickered, hooking my hands recklessly into my belt.

"Don't be crude with me Raphael, you know exactly what I mean," He snapped, brandishing the stinking pen as if it were his bo.

I sighed and rolled my eyes yet again. Of course I knew what he bloody meant. Why does everyone round here think I'm out to fucking get Leo's shell? So we haven't exactly been the best of pals lately, doesn't mean I wanna decapitate him or something, geez. What, have I gotta fucking _marry _him or something before people believe me?

"I won't hurt 'im Don," I said as serenely as possible.

He nodded and physically turned back to his work so I took that as a hint to piss off. Bastard had made me feel really guilty and angry. I can't believe he genuinely thought I'd purposely hurt Fearless, in _any _way. So we have our rough times but I'd never _hurt _him. Not even if he, I dunno, trashed my bike or something. Sure I'd be seriously pissed off, but I'd never hurt him. Well, not like in the way Don meant. I'd be inclined to punch a few teeth out, but I'd never _really _hurt him.

I rubbed my brow with a frustrated 'gah' then continued to my room to fetch my coat. I don't even care if Casey's got bitch duties, I'm gonna go bust some heads with or without him. I'm not gonna cool down here, not with Don the violent pen-wielding shrink. Having Leo 'n' Mikey around probably wouldn't help either, specially not Fearless.

Speaking of Fearless, he was crashed out on my bed when I walked in. I stared at him dumbly for a few seconds, wondering what the hell he was doing here. Then I remembered our 'talk' and how tired he had seemed. I shook my head and went to get my coat anyway.

I don't even sleep in there, got my trusty old hammock strung up in the corner. I've tried to get rid of the bed, to make more room for my weights, but Splinter won't let me, says it's good t'have an extra bed. Don't ask me why I prefer the hammock 'cause I dunno. I'm always tossing and turning in bed, can never get to sleep there. Insomnia's a bastard.

I watched him for a few seconds, my hand resting on the coat rack. I'd never seen him sleep before, not since we were kids. He was restless, rubbing at leaves on his skin that weren't there, unused to the blankets and softness beneath him. No wonder he's still tired if last night was as uncomfortable as this.

Unless I wanted Don asking awkward questions I had to wake him up. Better than leaving him to a bad sleep anyway. Besides, he'd probably rather sleep in his own bed, I know I would. Wonder where he slept in the jungle. In a tree maybe, or a cave or something. Sounds real cosy.

I crossed the room and sat next to him, wondering how to wake him up. He'd normally be wide awake by now, he's such a light sleeper it's not even funny. He must be really tired if he hasn't noticed I'm here yet.

I didn't fancy shaking him. Trust me on that, you do not shake a sleeping ninja. Not unless you've got a fucking death wish seriously. You'd be eating through a tube for the rest of your life, an' that's if you're lucky. Nah, need to find a better way.

I am _not _kissing him. What kinda sap do you think I am? I'm _not _touching him whilst he's asleep, he'd chuck me through a wall. Been there, tried that, got the freaking bruises.

Talking to him? Yeah that sounds good, nice and safe. I'll only sound slightly mental to anyone listening at my door. And if anyone _is _listening at my door, they're a dead man. Or woman. Mustn't be sexist.

"Leo? C'mon bro, time to get up,"

I half expected him to mutter something obscene and roll over like Mike does, but he didn't. He opened his eyes, blinked at me a couple of times then looked around as if to say 'what the fuck am I doing here?' But he smiled at me, eyes weary yet content, and I offered a small grin in return.

"Is it time for dinner or something?" He asked, covering up a yawn. I shook my head.

"Nah, you missed it. Why, you hungry?" Everything felt kinda surreal, as if part of a dream. Yeah, like _that_ doesn't sound screwed up.

"No," He shook his head, not moving an inch from his spot on my bed. Hm, must be comfier than I thought.

"Yeah well, thought you'd better get up now otherwise you wouldn't sleep later," I shrugged, staring at the floor. Come on, it wasn't a complete lie.

"So thoughtful," He grinned mockingly.

"I'm awesome like that," I gave a smug smirk and he laughed quietly, a sound both familiar and missed.

"I wouldn't exactly say 'awesome'," He argued, folding his arms behind his head and pretending to think.

"Oh yeah?" I humoured him, raising a brow.

""Yeah, I'd use maybe 'rude', or 'uncultured', or possible even 'cockface',"

I burst out laughing.

"That's how 'cockface' I am? That doesn't even make sense," I scoffed. He grinned and shrugged.

"It's true though,"

He'd definitely changed. He was cockier, self-confident, and it was a fucking turn on. I'd seen him tired and depressed, angry and determined, even protective and loving, but this, this was new and it made me wanna throw him down and have my way with him there and then.

"Dick," I growled, leaning over and pinning his wrists.

He kissed me before I even knew what was happening. It took me another two seconds to get a grip and kiss him back, my hands moving from his wrists to grasp his hands, tight and wanting. When we broke off, I realised I'd straddled him too.

He looked confused all of a sudden, his cheeks flushed. He bit his lip uneasily, turning his head away. I ignored the need to screw him right there with great difficulty and climbed off him, standing before him. He sat up, looking anywhere but me. I didn't quite know what to say or do, as he was still blushing, but then I had an idea.

"I'm going out, you wanna come with?" I asked gently. He looked up in surprise, and to be honest I can't say I blamed him.

"Where to?" He wondered, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, ready to stand up. I shrugged.

"Just out, prob'ly the streets, then maybe go for a drink," I answered casually. He looked like he was about to agree, then he frowned.

"Do you think Master Splinter will mind?" He murmured softly.

That's it, cocky, sexy Leo just went straight out of the fucking window. Cheers Master Splinter. I knew it was only a matter of time before he came into this mess.

"He won't give a shit," I replied bluntly and truthfully.

"Raph," He reprimanded, frowning at my disrespect. I sighed impatiently.

"Trust me, he won't," I argued, aware of the slight annoyance in my voice.

"Not about you, you go out all the time, I don't," He shot back. I felt him watch me as I went to retrieve my coat.

That _was _true. I went out like nearly every night and Splinter barely batted an eyelid. Old Fearless Leader suggests going out and god knows what he'll say. _A good leader does not have time for recreation! A good leader must never intoxicate his body and cloud his judgement with alcohol!_ What a load of bollocks seriously. I knew how to handle this. Give Sensei some rubbish about bonding and making the team stronger and it's in the bag. Works every time.

"Leave it to me," I smirked, pulling on my coat.

"What?" He gaped, staring at me.

"You wanna come out, you leave it to me," I repeated arrogantly. He looked sceptical, but agreed and went for his coat all the same.

Ten minutes later we were sloshing our way through the sewers, on our way topside. What'd I tell ya? Bonding excuse worked like a charm. He didn't even ask what we were gonna do, just said be careful and don't be too late coming home. Heck, even _I _don't know what we're gonna do yet. I was planning on calling Casey but for some reason, I preferred it just the two of us.

"I still can't believe he said yes," Leo remarked, following me through a narrow tunnel. I shrugged. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"I don't think he cared as long as we were getting on," I replied.

It was quiet on the surface. It wasn't too late, but late enough for people to be hurrying home out of the darkness. I had a vague idea where we'd find some trouble tonight, I just hoped it wasn't too much, with Leo still not one hundred per cent and all. Still, he'd agreed to come with me, knowing full well what my night outs entailed.

"We're not getting Casey?" He asked curiously once he'd realised we were no where near his and April's flat. I shook my head.

"Nope. You got a problem with that?" I raised an eye ridge at him and he simply shook his head.

I wondered what it took to bring the cocky side of him back. This certainly wasn't it, he was shy and nervous as if we were gonna be up to a bit more than a couple of scrapes and a few innocent drinks. You ask it of me big bro and I'll be glad to oblige but until then it's off the agenda. No, for now, I just wanted to see that side of him again, that'll do for me. Hm, I wonder how well he can manage his drink...

I've never seen him drink once. Not at Christmas and definitely not on our birthdays, and they're really the only times Splinter doesn't mind too much. I mean, even he's partial to a glass of sake every now and again. Even _Don _I've seen have a few drinks, but not Leo, never Leo. Maybe it's a bit brainless taking him out without testing his limits but oh well, we'll live.

I knew these streets well enough to know all the bad guy hangouts by now. Contrary to popular belief, the Purple Dragons weren't _completely _stupid. They'd worked it out, probably thanks to Hun and the Shredder, that you stay in one place too long, you get busted. So, they swap hangouts. Clever, huh? Not clever enough.

Nah, Casey and I figured their schedule out long ago. And Friday night was fight night, an' I don't just mean 'cause I'm itchin' for a scrap. Tonight they'd be meeting in the old shut down boxing gym on the corner of Twelfth. A personal favourite of mine really, plenty of ass-kicking space and lotsa weapons to get my hands on. Sorta reminds me of wrestling, without the fake moves.

"Raph, are you sure this is a good idea?" Leo asked hesitantly, eyeing the grubby gym warily. From the outside it seemed empty, but we both saw the gang members sneak round the back every so often.

"Trust me bro, I've done this before," I reassured him with a roll of my eyes. He can be so fucking awkward sometimes.

"But we'd be hugely outnumbered, and it'll be cramped, not to mention dangerous," He frowned. Great, leader mode.

"For once in your life Leo, stop trying to make a _strategy _out of everything. I know these things alright? I've been bustin' 'em for a year and a half. There ain't every single Purple Dragon in NYC crammed in there, they meet in groups depending on where they live," I explained, starting to get a little agitated now.

Looking back towards the gym, we heard muffled noises, like the ones Mike makes after I clap a hand over his mouth and before he licks my palm. Fucking disgusting. I knew these sounds well, an' sure enough, we saw a couple of punks dragging this chick towards the back door. I cracked my knuckles appreciatively, time to make this interesting.

"They capture civilians? Why didn't you tell me this?" Fearless demanded hotly, grabbing my arm before I could dash off.

"Because I knew you'd act like this, now follow my lead,"

"Follow _your _lead?" He repeated suspiciously.

"Yeah, _my _lead or no one's lead. You're the noob here Fearless," I snickered.

"What's a noob?" He asked innocently, clearly clueless.

I stared at him, stunned for a moment or two, then chuckled and shook my head. I decided not to answer, figuring the moment priceless enough. Instead I crawled my way through the shadows towards the back of the gym. Leo was hot on my trail, and it felt fucking good to be the leader for a change.

No matter how many times I see him falter under the weight, fall short of Sensei's screwed up expectations caused by this leadership, I still loved the power it gave me. Probably because I was merely borrowing it, shouldering the power without the weight before I have to give it back and the weight crushes my brother once more.

What can I say? I'm good with weights.

Pressed against the cold brick and ignoring the scratching sounds our shells made when they scraped against it, we could hear the Dragons' excited yells and cheers for their 'entertainment' echo throughout the night. They were a sick lot, just crude and all about sex and causing trouble. Nothin' like the Foot with their traditional ways and methodical tortures. Dunno which one pissed me off more to be honest.

"So what do we do, oh great leader?" Leo whispered mockingly, and when I looked at him, he almost seemed like the Leo from earlier. Funny, what a bit of bloodlust can do to a person.

"What do you think we do? We go in there an' we have a good time, that's what," I answered, pissed.

He pulled a face, clearly doubting my plans. The guy's so used to strategies and caution he's probably forgotten what the phrase 'winging it' means. Dunno why I even asked him to come of that's the case. I guess I just wanted to get to know the _real _Leo. Yes I'm very aware how corny that sounds at the moment so shoot me.

"I don't know Raph," He mumbled, biting his lip nervously. I sighed and reached across to gently caress his cheek.

"Trust me," I whispered.

"I do," He breathed.

And with that I took his hand and led him int the unknown.

To Be Continued

A.N: I'll try not to be too long with the next chapter, only I need to work on the second chapter of _Experiment _(Leo/Don) before this. Hopefully I can kick my overworked muses into gear. Thanks for reading and please review. Love you!


	4. Chapter 4

A.N: I should be mobbed, I know. My muse has abandoned me lately, obviously has better things to do than help me out lol. But it's coming, slowly but surely. I'd like to say this will be finished before I start uni in mid-September but I don't think that's going to happen. But anyway, after much delay, here's the next chapter.

My Enemies Aren't the Ones I Fear

Chapter Four

Leonardo's POV

It was just a small scratch, barely even broke the skin in some places. We had nothing to wrap it up with, so I simply held my coat tight against my collar. It stung a little, but it wasn't bleeding all that much. It was my own fault, sidestepped when I should have ducked, just like it always is. In fact, without Raphael there tonight, I probably would have met my death on the cold, stone floor of that rundown gym.

Once we'd received our thanks from the young lady, yes that 'thanks' consisted of a scream and a kick to the shins, and the police had arrived to deal justice to the criminals we'd bought down, my brother decided it was time to unwind a little. I was tired and sore, therefore I welcomed the suggestion, thinking fondly of my bed for the first time since I returned home. I soon learned going home was far from Raphael's mind when I saw he had led me to a dark, dingy bar at the edge of town.

"Are you _sure _about this, Raph?" I pulled a face, eyeing the crumbling brick and flaking paint with apprehension. The noise emanating from the building didn't appear to be too boisterous, but the night was still young.

"'Course I'm sure, why? Y'not hurt that badly are you?" He questioned, narrowing his eyes and giving me the once-over in case there was some injury I'd 'forgotten' to tell him about. I guess I do that a lot.

Numbly, I shook my head. He'd emerged from the battle unscathed, but I suppose things like that were second nature to him now. I was already sleepy again, longing for the soft caress of my bed sheets or the rigid support of the jungle trees. But Raphael merely pushed the door open and indicated I follow. His expression was unreadable.

The noise instantly doubled without the suppression of the door. It was smoky inside and made me choke a little. Raph waved it out of his face and meandered instantly to the bar on the other side of the room, leaving me no choice but to stumble behind him. Through the reeking grey smoke I realised it wasn't as crowded as it sounded; a television blared in the corner. A few of the punters offered Raphael greetings and he gruffly returned them. I wasn't sure if he did genuinely know these people or of he was just playing along with the drunks.

I cast a nervous glance around the place. It was small for a bar, around the same size as Donatello's lab and just as cluttered. The tables were crammed inside, leaving very little space to walk in between, although only a few were occupied. My eyes were starting to sting a little and I realised I strongly disliked the smell of the place, cigarette smoke and stale beer. I'd never felt more uncomfortable.

My eyes were watering by the time we reached the bar and I blinked, somewhat acknowledging Raph's amused grin. I leant against the old wood and immediately regretted it as my arm sank into an inch of dust and the bar creaked under my weight. I sneezed twice and someone to my left gave an ugly, mocking laugh. Raph glared at whoever it was and they shut up. He heaved himself up onto a mucky stool and I followed his example, afraid the rickety seat would collapse any second.

The bartender was a scruffy man. He was small, only an inch or so taller than us, and looked as if he was in his late fifties. His skin was like a pale walnut, tough and wrinkly. His grey beard matched his unkempt hair and he wore clothes even a hobo would be proud of. He grinned at Raph, showing at least four black gaps in his gums where rotten brown teeth should have been.

"Y'want yer regular, Shadow?" He spoke with a creepy southern drawl. I subdued a shudder and glanced around for this 'Shadow'. To my surprise, it was Raph who replied.

"Yeah, and one for my brother," He gave me a nod.

The dirty barman studied me for a few seconds and it was as if someone was digging through my brain with a stick, and yet I could not tear myself away from those bloodshot yellow eyes. Eventually he grunted and hobbled toward the far wall, rummaging around for dusty bottles in a cabinet. They clinked almost musically and clouds of dirt billowed through the air, almost making me sneeze again.

"Shadow?" I enquired quietly, attempting and failing to read my brother's face once more.

"It's a nickname," He shrugged a tad modestly.

I frowned, unsure whether to ask or not exactly _how _he got this nickname. Only a blindman could not see the graceful power and speed with which my brother moved so I suppose 'Shadow' was rather fitting, if a little cheesy. He probably liked it, another persona to add to the Raphael/Nightwatcher mix.

"Cheers Claw," Raph nodded to the barman and paid for the bottles that had been placed before us.

The barman shoved the coins into a pouch at his waist and moved off to serve some woman and her partner. I'd never seen a prostitute before. She was beautiful, in an ugly way. She winked at me and I picked up my bottle and pretended to study it to cover up my blush. Raph chuckled against the rim of glass next to his mouth.

"That's Laughing Liz. Y'don't wanna mess with her," He supplied helpfully. I didn't need to ask why they called her that, as she let out a feminine, high pitched giggle behind me.

"Why do they call him 'Claw'?" I asked, unconsciously wiping the dust from my bottle. If Raph noticed I was avoiding taking a drink, he didn't mention it.

"He used to be good, in his day,"

As I watched Claw make his way back towards us now Laughing Liz and her partner had drinks, I didn't need to question exactly what he'd been good at. Despite his unclean appearance, he was still lean and muscled underneath the rags and handled himself as if he was unused to the feebleness that came with old age. No doubt he'd been a member of the Purple Dragons, or any local street gang of his time.

"So where ya been lately Shadow?" Claw asked, planting himself before us, and rather rudely I might add. We could have been having a very private conversation for all he knew.

"We've had some shit to deal with since my brother came home," Raph supplied cryptically, needlessly nodding in my direction.

"Ah, I see. You glad t'be home lad?" The barman asked almost kindly. I blinked in surprise and just gave a shrug.

"He's unused to it. It's like being in prison again," Raph answered for me, smirking behind his bottle. I was shocked at how accurate he was.

"Aye, life gets like that sometimes. Still, you don't let it getcha down, eh boy?"

I pulled a face. Raph noticed the uneasy crease in my brow if his chuckle was anything to go by. What was with these questions? It was as if the old man knew stuff about me and was talking as if we'd met before. Needless to say it had me bristling. Raph must have told him about me, but to treat me like that, calling me 'lad' and 'boy'! How old does he think I am? Twelve?

"Is he always this quiet?" Claw asked my brother, his voice clearly amused.

"The majority of the time, yeah," Raph replied steadily.

"Well, I shall havta keep an eye on you, _Whisper_,"

"What kind of a name is _that_?" I spluttered angrily, the minute the creepy old barman was out of earshot.

"I like it," Raph said calmly, making me stop in tracks and completely forgetting my own new and equally cheesy nickname.

"You make it sound like I've just been to jail for eighteen months," I said huffily, recovering from my brief blush.

"You look like it," He smirked.

I glanced at myself and realised he was probably right. I looked like a thug or something. The right side of my coat near my collar was dotted with blood from pressing it against my scratch, and the rest of it was covered in muck and dust. I was less brawny than my brother, but my shell gave me a bouncer-like appearance, hard and full of muscle. I laughed and finally drank from my bottle.

I blinked and withdrew it from my mouth, inspecting the label yet again and ignoring Raph's outburst of laughter. Expecting the harsh, bitter taste of the beer Raph drank at home, I was shocked to find I actually liked this. It was slightly spicy, but pleasant and hard to describe, I could safely say I'd never tasted anything like it.

"Thought you might like it," Raph grinned and I offered a smile in return before drinking more.

"It sort of reminds me of those fruit teas April used to buy," I said thoughtfully, after savouring the taste once more.

"It's Claw's own stuff, that's why I don't drink it at home," He explained needlessly, draining his bottle. It didn't take me long to catch up.

"Y'drunk those fast lads," Claw observed in amusement after Raph had called him over to order more.

"The first drink's always the best," My brother grinned.

"Aye, that it is," The old man agreed, clunking two more bottles before us.

I watched quietly as Raph handed more coins over and Claw slipped them into that grubby pouch, and then he moved off to wash some cracked glasses that had accumulated in the sink. He concentrated whilst he did it, and I had a feeling he was trying to listen in on our conversation. Whether or not that was my paranoia kicking in, I wasn't sure, but I kept my voice low all the same.

"Raph, you know I don't have any money to pay you back for these," I hissed uncomfortably, avoiding his eyes. I could tell without even looking at him that he was entertained.

"Relax big brother, tonight's on me," His cocky voice sneered.

"Why?" I looked up, blinking in surprise.

"Just because," He shrugged carelessly.

I frowned thoughtfully and leaned back, careful not to tip the shaky stool. 'Just because'? Raph never does things for me 'just because'. Well, he never used to. Things have just been so strange since I got back home. At first I wanted nothing more than to go back to normal, but with Raph's new attitude towards me, I'm not so sure. It's different, but I don't think it's bad.

"I don't know Raphael anymore. He's changed so much while I've been away it's as if he's a different person, especially since the whole ordeal with Winters and the Stone Generals. I'm not complaining exactly, I'm just confused because this is not what either of us were used to. Perhaps tonight is Raph's way of getting to know me again too? Maybe _I've _changed?

"Tell me about Nightwatcher life," I demanded pleasantly, lounging forwards.

I was only half aware of Claw accidentally chinking a glass against the sink at that point, but I no longer cared. If Raph could be flippant about _my _life, I could be with his.

The request took him by surprise and he almost spluttered. His eyes widened for the tiniest second, then he grinned widely at me. His eyes were the exact same shade as mine, a sort of amber-brown colour, although his held a totally different expression. I couldn't tell you precisely what it is I saw, there were just too many various emotions blaring in one place to identify them.

"_You _tell _me _about your vacation, jungle boy," He smirked in retaliation. I gave a quiet laugh and a shrug of the shoulders.

There wasn't much to tell really. It wasn't as if the days were separate and something exciting and dangerous happened on each one. The soldiers could not forget the pain I inflicted, unlike the Foot, so attacks on my village were far and few in between. I never fully understood Master Splinter's reasons for sending me away apart from to be a better leader. A part of me wonders if I ever did what I set out to do.

"Time was meaningless. Every day was just the same. I'd get up, bathed, found breakfast, patrol, train, find dinner, meditate and then sleep. A lot of the time I was bored, and lonely," I explained softly, distantly remembering my time away.

"What about the village?" Raph probed, his voice as low as mine. There was no anger there, no passion or lust, just curiosity.

"It was only small, and extremely isolated. The soldiers didn't attack often. When they did, I made it hurt more than the last time," I answered coolly. I caught a dark grin flash on his features, and I knew he understood.

"Where did you stay? The village?" He asked inquiringly. I shook my head.

"No. There was a little cave of some sort, on the shore, not far from where April found me. It was a little cramped and uncomfortable, but it was out of the way," I replied.

There was silence for a few minutes while we drank and I could see him debating with himself. I watched him, and he seemed awkward, pulling faces at his bottle. I waited patiently for him to find a solution, simply because I'd never seen him pause and think carefully about what he was about to say. It was interesting. When he finally came to an agreement and said it, I could see why he struggled to ask.

"Why didn't you come home?" He looked at me levelly, calmly, even regretfully.

I hesitated, initiating my own interior battle. I've thought about this before. If I told him, what would he do? Would he be angry? It's quite possible. I don't think he'd laugh anymore, not after the way he's treated me. I think he might even be jealous, possibly even indignant. It was hard to tell. But I _wanted _to tell him why I chose the jungle over my family, and only him. Because isn't that what lovers do? They share secrets, right?

Are we even lovers? I'm not exactly sure. We've kissed, and we've touched. Does that mean we're dating? Is this a date? Ugh, I wish things were simple. Does one of us have to say 'Will you be my mate'? Geez that sounds awful, I'm not saying that. Does he even _want _to be my mate? Sure he said all that 'love is a bitch' stuff but still. I want to know what he wants. Maybe then I'll know what _I _want.

"I was...free," I said simply with a sigh. I saw him frown and I continued before he could interrupt. "It was just me out there. I didn't have to pretend anymore. I could be afraid, or happy, or lonely, I could be _me_. You could never understand how good that felt Raphael,"

He didn't answer for a moment. I drank the remaining liquid in my bottle whilst he contemplated it. I felt a little light-headed and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol affecting me already, or if it was the aftereffects of sharing that with him. He hadn't exploded with anger, that was always a good sign. He looked thoughtful, even curious.

"I can imagine though," He said eventually, draining his bottle. I blinked in surprise. "No Fearless Leader, just Leo? I would have liked to see that," He gave a small grin. I shook my head.

"You won't get to," I gave him a sad smile and he nodded slowly.

"Probably not," He agreed and indicated to Claw for more drinks.

Somewhere behind me, Laughing Liz let out a drunk giggle and someone else snickered. I was used to this place now, the smoke and the smells no longer bothered me. No one interrupted us, so we didn't interrupt them. The room was starting to fill a little more now. More prostitutes littered the place, but it was mainly gruff, middle-aged men, much like Claw. They all seemed to know each other.

I felt myself relax just a bit more. I briefly wondered how strong this beer actually was. I almost felt how I had done in the jungle, carefree and _normal_. I supposed this was as close to 'just Leonardo' as I was going to get now I was back at home. The Fearless Leader had returned, for good. I would never be alone for the rest of my life. I felt relieved and devastated at the exact same time.

"So, the Nightwatcher," I prompted with a nod and a small smile.

Raph waited until Claw had deposited more dusty bottles before us. Then he sat and thought for a few minutes, his mouth upturned fondly ever so slightly. It made me wonder just how much he had never told me. That smile, and that far away look in his eyes suggested to me Raph almost felt the same way about the Nightwatcher as I did the jungle.

"For the first time, I understand why Mike loves sneaking off to do his Turtle Titan shit," He began softly, giving me a grin.

I could understand where he was coming from. Granted, I was a 'ghost', but when I was out there, saving those villagers and getting recognition for it, it felt so _liberating_. I was still hiding in the shadows to some extent but people realised I was working for the greater good and they _adored _me for it. Words cannot describe how much I loved that feeling.

"I could do our work out in the open, and that's the first time _I've _ever felt free. It always used to feel like..." He broke off, struggling for the right words. With a start, I realised I could finish his sentence.

"...Like you were chained to home," I whispered in awe. He looked at me oddly, then nodded.

"Yeah. In a good 'nd a bad way," He agreed.

I smiled widely and he gave me one in return, slight and soft. I know it looks sadistic, smiling at our situation, but I finally felt the link between Raphael that we lost so long ago when we were children. It was small, and very vague, but it was there.

It had never once crossed my mind that Raph would _ever _feel that way. I'd always thought, out of the four of us, he was the most free. I guess I never realised how wrong I was. I suppose we're all prisoners really, locked underground in a sea of mutated fear. But Raph and myself are different prisoners I think. I'm not really sure how to explain it. We're imprisoned in our own home, in two very different ways, and Master Splinter holds the key.

"I never...thought of you that way," I began quietly, but he held up a calloused, tender hand.

"I don't wanna talk about it Leo,"

I shut my mouth and looked at the bottle in my hand. This one didn't seem to be going down as well as the other two, and I already felt rather lightheaded. I was afraid of feeling too relaxed, too careless, but Raph clearly had a better hold on himself than me. He does this often. He wouldn't let anything happen to me.

I should have known he wouldn't want to talk about it, not now at least. Perhaps he would later, once he'd had more to drink, but I'll probably be unconscious then if I keep going at this rate. Even my mouth felt freer, more willing to smile and cast away today's paranoia for tomorrow's exemption.

I sighed and leant on the bar, my chin resting on my palm. My eyelids were a little heavy now, but I didn't want to go home. I was sick of the weight already. My shoulders felt lighter now, and I knew the minute I woke up tomorrow, they would be heavy with responsibility once more. And Raph's, well, I don't know, but they wouldn't be as light as they are right this very moment.

"You're gettin' tipsy," He grinned at me. I pulled a face; since when were those smug smirks so...irresistible?

"Am not," I found myself arguing feebly. He only grinned wider.

I was lying through my teeth of course. I never thought I'd actually _know _I was getting tipsy. I always thought it'd just happen, like I'd never notice I was intoxicated. Pretty stupid now I think about it. I mean, I have such acute senses sometimes I'd notice anything. Raph always used to find it creepy when I would be up waiting for him at the right time each night. His presence is so vibrant I could perceive it a mile off.

Raph laughed at me and drank from his own bottle. It was almost as if he was unaffected at all, and here I was, totally defenceless and losing every protective barrier I had built up over the years. And the best, or maybe worst I'm not sure, part is, I didn't care. I didn't mind Raph seeing me vulnerable and carefree, because I wanted to be looked after. I spent so many years protecting them, and so many months protecting myself, now _I _wanted to be protected. I wanted to be the child instead of the adult, the victim instead of the hero. And I know Raph would not only _not _hold that against me, but also be the adult and the hero, and I liked that.

"I didn't see anythin' special tonight bro, you sure you learnt somethin' in yer jungle," Raph asked suddenly and pretentiously.

"I was hiding it," I told him secretively. I wasn't.

"Hiding it?"

"Yup,"

"What exactly is _it_?"

I don't bloody know, I just said it without thinking. I hadn't learnt any flashy new moves in the jungle. I'm a lot more stealthy, my muscles toned more now for speed instead of strength. I was never one for weight training anyway, that was Raph's area of expertise. I've always liked running.

"I'm good at keepin' secrets,"

He was. When we were little, he never told anyone _I _was scared of the dark too. Mike cried a lot, refused to sleep until it drove Donny up the wall. Sensei gave in eventually and went and bought him a real, working nightlife. We were all in awe of it because it wasn't broken or scavenged from a dumpster, it was _from a shop_ and Master Splinter paid a whole ten dollars out of our savings. We used to think he was rich.

Mikey adored it. It was a plastic Superman, and glowed yellow when it was turned on, like some godly aura or something. Donnie didn't mind it. He could sleep with or without light. It was Raph who bunked with me when we were kids, because we were best friends back then. He never complained about me needing the door left open at night and he never told anyone, because I never told anyone about his fear of bugs. But I guess that's common knowledge now. Anyway, we stopped being best friends, not even friends, and I had to get over that fear pretty fast.

"Yeah you can," I agreed amicably.

"So tell me, what new tricks didya learn in the jungle?" He questioned cheerfully, draining his bottle.

It was me who signalled Claw for more drinks this time. I probably shouldn't drink any more but I liked this stuff, and I was having a good time, surprisingly. Raph was good company. Wow, I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I have a feeling I'd found my best again.

Claw gave me an uncertain glance, then looked at Raph for reassurance, who nodded. With a shrug the old walnut man rescued another two bottles from their dusty homes and brought them to us after unscrewing the caps. I took mine and drank instantly and let Raph pay again. I ought to think of a way to pay him back for this.

"That lad can't handle his drink too well," Claw stated curiously to my brother, who grinned widely.

"He's just not had anythin' t'eat, that's all," Raph answered civilly for me.

It's always worse when Raph hasn't eaten. Or _was _worse, I don't know. Sometimes he'd skip dinner or something, went out Casey and come completely off his face. And I mean _off his face_. I never told Master Splinter about those nights, but he probably knew about them anyway. Those were the bad nights, when he'd get violent, when we'd argued so bad we'd draw on each other. But they weren't often, and he always apologised in the morning.

"Eat somethin' next time boy, I ain't havin' you spewin' all over _my _bar," The barman told me sternly. I glowered at him.

"He hasn't had _that_ much," Raph chuckled in my defence.

"Yeah? I remember the first time that Jones fellow bought your ass in 'ere, Shadow, 'n' it weren't pretty," Claw reprimanded. Raph only laughed. I'd already drank half my bottle.

"Your grammar's terrible," I told the old man bluntly. He stared at me in surprise for a few seconds, then wheezed loudly, in what I think was to be recognised as a laugh.

"Not much of a 'Whisper' now, are ya boy?" He chortled. It was an unpleasant sound, and I shrugged my shoulders.

"This'll be our last Claw," Raph smiled softly.

"Aye, make sure it is an' all, or the lad'll be paralytic," Claw advised, taking away our empty bottles.

"What _did _happen when you first came in here?" I wondered inquisitively.

"I threw up. A lot," He said simply. I couldn't help but grin wickedly.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'd had a lot more than you though. Casey either didn't know how much of Claw's shit I could handle, or he didn't care. Probably both," He explained casually.

"Still trying to compete with me even now?" I asked mockingly, and he laughed. I decided I liked his laugh.

"No. It was just one bitch of a hangover. Splinter would murder me if you couldn't make practice tomorrow," He explained, still ever so nonchalant. That was bullshit. Splinter would murder _me_, but I didn't say it.

"Casey will be married soon," I acknowledged quietly.

"Probably," Raph agreed.

"What will happen then?" I asked no one in particular.

"I dunno, April will probably want him to get a proper job, be a good husband, whatever," He shrugged carelessly, but even in my less-than-perfect state, I could tell he was upset about it, yet happy for Casey and April.

We all were. It wasn't official yet, but we'd seen wedding magazines in the flat, and Casey had been to Sensei for advice. It was exciting, and a little weird, to think they might be married soon. They acted like an old married couple already. Only you know, without the kids. And the yappy little terrier dog old people always seem to keep. And name Mr. Kibbles or something equally stupid.

"People give their pets stupid names," I mused thoughtfully. Raph blinked at the unexpected change of subject but soon began to laugh at me again. Bitch.

"Oh yeah? Like what?" He asked, humouring me.

"Like Mr. Kibbles. It sounds like a brand of dog food or something," I answered coolly, swilling the alcohol around in my bottle so it fizzed.

"So what would you call your pet if you had one?" He wondered. I took a swallow of beer and thought hard. It was difficult actually, to you know, think. My brain seemed to be a little slow.

"If it was a boy, Quentin, if it was a girl, I dunno, Ethel or something," I shrugged.

"You're kiddin', surely," He stared at me. I offered a chaste smile and he started laughing at me again.

"Okay, maybe not _those _names," I chuckled easily.

"I thought Mike was bad calling a cat 'Klunk'," He confessed. I nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, maybe I should name mine 'Kapow', or 'Thwack', to match," I pretended to mull over it seriously and he laughed some more.

We carried on joking a little while longer, and as the time seemed to sneak by, I felt myself laugh more easily, and it was as if I'd never been so relaxed with my surroundings and in my body. It felt good, really good. However, I was grateful when Raph declared we should be getting back. I was starting to drowse a little, and Laughing Liz was becoming a little more careless with her clothes. I'd never seen naked breasts before. Raph acted as if they weren't there. If that was for his sake or mine, I didn't know.

We said goodbye to Claw and began to meander between the tables and chairs and bodies to the exit. I was a little unsteady on my feet and required Raphael's hand on my shoulder to stable me. The weird thing was, I didn't mind. I was too busy grinning so wide my face hurt.

It was colder outside and the fresh air stung but it helped to sober me up. The noise of the bar was instantly muffled when the door shut, and it was nice to hear myself think again. The streets weren't very busy, and there were hardly any people around. I quite liked just standing there in the quiet chill of dark, that is until Raph started heaving the cover off the nearest manhole cover.

I jumped down, only half-remembering to bend my knees to absorb the impact as I hit the floor. Raph lowered himself down behind me and shifted the heavy steel disc back into place. The sewers completely blocked out any outside noises, and the tinkle of the water was soothing.

We walked in silence for a little while, and I watched his face as the flickering lights danced on his features. He didn't say anything when I slipped my hand in his, but I saw the corners of his mouth twitch, just a little. I thought about thanking him for a lovely date, just for kicks, but I knew he'd hit me or something.

It didn't take long to reach home but the walk was pleasant. He let go of my hand and I missed the warmth instantly. I yawned, thinking appreciatively of my bed. I knew I was still smiling, still relaxed, and I liked it. He reached up to pull the pipe that would open the door, but then he paused. He looked at me and smirked, his hand resting on said pipe instead.

"You never did tell me what you learnt in the jungle," He reminded me. I fixed the most serious expression on my face as I could, and said something completely true.

"I learnt how to piss with no hands,"

"No fucking way,"

To Be Continued


	5. Chapter 5

A.N: God I am such a bad author. I remember the days when I could update bang on the dot every Thursday evening. My how times have changed. I am so sorry everyone, I am painfully aware this hasn't been updated in so long and I'm honestly kicking myself about it. The worst thing is I can't tell you when it will be updated again either. I'm hoping soon because I'm finally getting to the interesting bits so I'll find the energy to write. Also, I don't have Microsoft Word anymore, and instead have to type this up on Wordpad. Gah I feel so n00bish. I apologise for any mistakes you may find, I'll try my hardest to draft and draft. Thank you for sticking with me after so long, and I hope this is worth the wait.

Disclaimer: I do not own, pleasure purposes only.

My Enemies Aren't the Ones I Fear

Chapter Five

Raphael's POV

He got his ass handed to him nice and sore the next morning for having a hangover. Me? I got a couple of stern words and nothing else. It was no different to how it normally was. 'Cept this time, Leo didn't seem to care. Of course, he _pretended _he was sorry to Splinter, but I knew he wasn't, deep down. I'd shown him the underworld, and he loved it.

We've only gone out together twice more since that night. Something in him was still frightened I think. Not of Splinter anymore, probably because he hadn't forbid our outings, not yet anyways. He disapproved, especially when Leo came home smashed. Funny, I never got told off for it, even though it's me who pushes him for another drink, Not my fault he's such a lightweight.

Nah, it's not Splinter he's frightened of. I think it's us. It used to be Splinter, but since we started this little game that fear's kinda been displaced. He doesn't seem to emerge from Splinter's room like someone had died anymore. And before, it was hard to notice, but I always saw the tiniest of flinches whenever Sensei would call his name. There's none of that now, just a sort of passiveness. Dunno which is worse to be honest.

At least before there was that respect. That seems to have gone now. Don't get me wrong, it's still Splinter says this and Splinter does that, but the drive seems to have died out. It's fucking weird. I reckon everyone's noticed, but no one quite knows what to do about it. What can they do? It's Leo's problem.

It's hard going at his pace. It takes him ages to respond to an embrace or a kiss. He's scared. Unless he's pissed. Then he doesn't have a care in the world. When he's stone cold sober though, he's terrified. But he loves it, and that's what gets him the most. It makes me laugh, but at the same time, it's seriously pissing me off. A guy can only have so much patience.

I'll wait, God knows I'll fucking wait even if it kills me. But I'm so damn frustrated. There's been nothing other than a makeout. And it's not enough. It's unfair if you think about it. He's the one turning me on so much and he's doing fuck all about it. And if I push it, I'll screw it all up, and that's definitely not what I want.

Besides, it's hard enough finding time to do that sort of shit. Well, when we're alone anyway. Leo's reluctant to even kiss if someone's in the lair, let alone do anything decent. Don'll occasionally go to the junkyard and Mike'll go with him to pick his comics up, but that still leaves the problem of Splinter. I wouldn't give a shit if anyone was in or not, but to Leo it's like sacrilege or something.

Splinter's been ill the past couple of days. Don reckons it's just a bit of 'flu or something. He's been ill before and he usually picks up after some rest. I ain't too worried. Leo's having kittens. He fusses far too much, lost respect or no. I guess there are some things that just don't change.

And I don't want them to. I mean, I like him already, nothing needs to change. Well, nothing else. He wouldn't be Leo otherwise would he? Nah, things are good right now, despite the whole no sex thing. Not that I've done it before. And it ain't like I haven't had the opportunity either. I've had some pretty desperate women throw themselves at me in a drunken stupor. But you know, like attracts like and all that.

But I was the hero and said no. I had morals. Well, some anyway. I wasn't about to do it in some back alleyway with a wasted chick I don't even know just 'cause I saved her from having her face smashed in. Geez, some people will do just about anything for some decent sex. And some people don't even care if it _isn't _decent. I'm not like that.

Today's been weird. Just one of those days where nothing normal happens. Splinter staying in bed for one. Mikey didn't make enough food to feed a small army. Casey wanted to stay in with April for the night. It makes you wonder what other weird shit is gonna happen. Maybe Leo'll kick back on the couch with some bad porn and pop a can. Nah who am I kidding?

Maybe I'll just go out on my own tonight. I haven't done that in ages and God knows Leo won't be up for it. He keeps a near constant vigil by Splinter's bedside as if his life depended on it. Sill, a night out might do him good. You never know, he might surprise me and say yes. He's sure done it often enough lair was pretty much quiet to say it was only eight-ish. Mike would usually be watching a film or playing his video games by now. He's probably in Don's lab lurking in the corner with his Nintendo DS or something. He's been doing that a lot lately. Must be to keep each other company now Leo and I are best friends again all of a sudden.

Splinter's room was stuffy inside, there must have been at least two portable heaters in there. It didn't stink of incense, probably didn't need smoke clogging up his lungs. Nasty shit anyway. I've never understood Leo's obsession with it. Personally I think the stuff smells worse than rotten eggs or something. But then you get used to it, specially in Leo's room. It usually isn't as strong in there. Splinter usually burns patchouli or some other heavy shit, but Leo prefers light musks or sandalwood.

Splinter could barely be seen underneath all the sheets and blankets. It must have been like a sauna in there. He was fast asleep, breathing lightly from a slightly open mouth. It's easy to tell if one of us is ill, just by the colour of our skin. Splinter has all that fur, and he'd never tell us anyway, so we only know if he's sick when he's _really _sick. Sucks really.

Leo had heard me come in. He'd looked up from his book and watched me approach. His eyes were soft and unassuming. He wouldn't look at me like that if Splinter were awake. It creeps me out sometimes, the way he looks at me. Most of the time it's in this soppy way, like when April looks at Casey after he's done something she thinks is romantic, like picked up Chinese so she doesn't have to cook. Ugh, makes me shudder.

"Hey," He said softly as I came to stand opposite.

"Hey," I repeated blankly.

I wanted to touch him, even if it was just to put a hand on his shoulder but I knew he wouldn't go for it, not while Splinter was in the room, asleep or not. He just looked...empty. I hate it when he looks like that. It's so weird when I feel full to bursting with emotion some times. I guess opposites do attract.

Although I know we're not that different in some ways.

"I'm goin' out, you wanna come?"

No need to tell him where, there's only one place we go. He pulled a face and I could see him working it all out, weighing up his options. We hadn't been out in a while, and it's been even longer since we went out just the two of us. He's a lot closer to Casey now.

Before, I might have been jealous, but not now. Leo needs friends. True, he may not be as social as me or Mikey but fuck, the guy must be lonely. After April and Casey he only has Usagi, and he doesn't even see him that often as he's always off doing his ronin shit. The rest of us, we have friends. Mike has some down at the arcade, people he talks to over XBox Live. I have the guys down at Claw's place. Heck, even _Don _has friends, those homeless guys at that weird professor down at the dump. How the hell he got homeless when he's a certified professor I'll never know. No one really dares to ask him either.

"Sure. Why not?" Leo replied frankly.

I blinked in surprise. Wasn't expecting that. Still, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? He sat perfectly still for a few more seconds, studying Splinter's face as if fully trusting him to suddenly sit up and start some dumb lecture abut drinking responsibly and shit. To be fair, I wouldn't be too shocked if he did. But he didn't, and Leo slammed the book shut with a dull thud and laid it on the bedside crate.

Donny and Mike didn't object, but then again they never did. Must be nice to see us going out and getting along instead of being at each other's throats. Funny, Don hasn't said another word to me about Leo. Dunno why, either he's too embarrassed or he ain't worried. I don't really give a shit either way. I know what I'm doing and it's none of his business. Or Mikey's. But I don't think Mike really cares anyway. He pretends like he hasn't got a clue but actually he's pretty good at picking up changes in people and relationships, no matter how subtle they may be.

It was quiet at Claw's too, unusual for a Friday night. Mind you, there's not a game on so that's probably why. I prefer it when it's crowded and noisy, Leo doesn't, so at least he'll be in a decent mood. Well, as decent as he can be when Splinter's laid up in bed.

We didn't stay too long. It wasn't as fun as it usually is, haven't got Casey to liven things up. He's too busy playing husband now, which is all very well but he could spare a little more time for a bit of R and R surely. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for him and April but I swear, if she's gonna lock him up all day with a feather duster in front of the stove I'm having words.

Leo was silent on the way home, probably because he didn't have many to drink. He'll brood all night now in either his room or Splinter's. He thinks too much. I know it's not always a bad thing. It's just he gets really worked up about stuff he just can't do anything about and he needs to fucking accept that. He won't though. He's so goddamn stubborn it does my head in.

It wasn't too late when we got back, eleven or so. Mike was in bed, could see the glow of the nightlight in his room from the centre of the lair. I've always laughed at him for still needing one at this age, (at least Leon manages to sleep with the slightest of cracks, allowing the tiniest slither of light into his room) but Don's always said it's perfectly natural for some adults to be afraid of the dark, it's a rational fear just like spiders or heights. Pft, still a joke if you ask me. But then again, I guess out of all of us, Mikey and Leo are probably the most prone to nightmares. And if a little bit of light makes it easier for them to sleep at night, heck I ain't gonna stop 'em.

I wonder if old Fearless would agree to a break down at the farm once Splinter's well again. We haven't been for ages, before Leo went off to the jungle. God knows we could do with a break, and the fresh air will do Sensei a world of good. Remind me to ask Leo when Splinter's perked up a bit.

It was quiet in Don's lab too, that certainly makes a change. He's either decided to turn in early or he's curled up with Mikey. I wouldn't be surprised, they've been getting closer and closer lately. Still, it may be a little soon to start sharing rooms but then again, what do I care? Mike might not be able to sleep I dunno. It's none of my business. I wouldn't want them nosying about me and Leo, so there's no need to do it to them.

I think I'd be happy if the same sorta thing happened to Mike and Don. They need each other. Mike brigs Don out of his brainiac stupor, just as Don somehow manages to calm Mike's hysteria. They're opposites, and it works, just like me and Leo. Me and Mike are the physical ones, always have been, just as Leo and Don are the rational pair. Leo'd say Yin and Yang. I say beer and pretzels. Both work I guess.

Leo paused outside his door, leant slightly against the frame. I thought he was gonna rop his guts up at first but then I noticed he was deep in thought. You'd think I'd be able to tell the difference pretty well by now, but it's kinda hard still to identify each of Fearless' emotions, especially since he came back. Most of 'em look the same. Just another of his annoying traits that bug the shit outta me.

"Yeah, well, g'night,"

I gave a small sort of salute but I knew he didn't have a clue. He was well and truly off with the fucking fairies now. He'll stand there mulling stuff over for another ten minutes then realise where he is and go to bed to mull some more. Yeah he does this often.

So, I left him to it and walked across the landing to my own room. I probably wouldn't sleep for another hour or two, I was still psyched up on the beer. Might read some magazines or something. Too late to pick up some weights, I never touch 'em after I've had a drink, not after I launched one at Leo's head that time. He dodged it of course, it was freaking heavy and my aim was a little off, but it certainly left a nice dumbell shaped hole in the wall.

"Raph, stay,"

The command was so quiet I barely heard it. I turned back to look at him curiously. He still had one hand pressed against the frame, head bent slightly, examining the woodwork without really seeing it. I was getting more and more of this broody Leo as each day went past. Those glimpses of a fun, young, flirtatious Leo were so far away sometimes I wondered if I'd fantasized them in the heat of some morning glory.

It wouldn't surprise me to be honest. It all seemed a little too good to be true at the time. Though to be fair, it _has _only been since Splinter got sick now I think about it. Understandable I suppose. As ragged and odd Leo's relationship is with good ole dad, that's the thing, he's dad. And Leo's always been closer to him, although Mike got hell of a lot of attention, and still does.

Don and I, we're the middle kids. We ain't really sure who's oldest, heck Mike could be for all we know. I guess it just sorta fell into place. Don never really minded being a middle child. I did. It was just...nothing special. Not first. Not last. In between. 'Spose it might explain why I can't settle for nothing but first place.

I was knocked for six at his request. He can be so damn cryptic sometimes, pisses the hell outta me. What, is he frightened he's gonna upchuck if I don't stay with him? Or has he finally decided he wants to go at it like rabbits? Or does he just want a Raph-sized teddy bear to spend the night with?

You know what? Even the teddy bear option sounds good right now. Beats lazing around for ages 'til I doze off, sex or no. Although sex would be good. Who am I kidding? Sex would be pretty damn awesome right now but y'know he's so fricking frigid sometimes. Well, he is more than ever lately, but before Splinter got ill, let me tell ya the little bastard certainly knew how to lead a guy on.

God I think about sex a lot.

"Sure. Why not?"

There was the faintest hint of a smile before he turned around and went in, switching the lights on. I don't go in his room much, not even when he was away. It feels a bit like Splinter's room, it doesn't feel right going in without the owner. Sounds kinda dumb now I think about it. Then again, he's never been in my room much either, so maybe it's not that dumb.

It was spotless and almost bare, just like always. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself 'til he started undressing so I unbuttoned my coat and tossed it in a corner, my hat landing clumsily beside it. He took a stupid amount of time and care in removing his clothes and hanging them up neatly, making sure each and every hanger faced the exact same way. Freak.

Bored, I slipped out my sais and lazily dumped them on top of my coat. Don't get me wrong, I love those things, but only like a chef loves his knives. Leo treats his swords like they're breathing creatures, like they're part of him. Without them he goes nutso. But then, Leo isn't really Leo without them, not anymore.

I laid back on my shell - it doesn't really bother me like it does the others, and tugged my mask off, flinging it somewhere to my left. It didn't interest me that I was making his room a mess. Hell it _needs_ a bit of clutter, something to make it look _lived _in. I watched as he gently undid the knots on his own mask, his belt, his supports, his pads, and painstakingly rolled each and every one of them into neat little balls and placed them delicately on his bedside crate.

"That ain't gonna make 'em last longer you know," I offered wisely. He gave that tiny smile again.

"Force of habit," He answered quietly.

He sat, the mattress sinking slightly under his weight, his shell facing the door so he was turned at an angle to look at me, the outside of his thigh pressing my side. It wasn't a big bed, but big enough for the both of us. Although why he chose to just perch on his own bed like that I'll never know.

We were silent for a while, the good kind of silence, not the awkward one, and I nearly jumped when he reached out to trace circles on my plastron. He looked kinda...resigned, maybe just tired I dunno. Hell, I was getting kinda sleepy actually. I just sorta wanted him to lay down and chill so I could close my eyes. When he spoke he was soft, calm.

"Do you think...Master Splinter will be okay?"

"Don't talk shit, 'course he will be," I responded instantly.

It was something that didn't even require thinking about. He nodded serenely, no flicker of emotion crossing his face whatsoever. I went to frown but he suddenly got up and turned off the lights. The tell-tale crack of gold fell across the other side of the bed, the springs creaked as he lay next to me on his side. I felt him pull the sheets over us and I know he hesitated before wraping an arm over my plastron. I grumbled a little but I didn't really mind. I can be a good teddy bear, just you watch.

"Mike must be with Don," He said into the darkness.

"Prob'ly," I shrugged.

"I'm a little...worried about them," He admitted quietly.

Fearless worried? God now _that's _a fucking surprise. I spared a quick glance at him. His eyes stared past me into the poster on the wall. The light from the slightly open door fell across his face, illuminating and shadowing at the same time. For a brief second I thought he might have been angry, thought I might have to smack the hypocritical bitch. Then he carried on.

"I don't want them to get hurt sneaking around like we do,"

Made sense I suppose. The sneaking about didn't really bother me all that much, but I knew it did his tree in. He was so damn cautious, wouldn't even stand within three feet of me if Splinter was in the room. Obviously that hadn't been the case recently but he still acted as if I had some sort of contagious disease unless we were completely alone, even if Don and Mike were around, and they don't give a shit what we do. 'Cept maybe make love on the couch or something. I can see them getting pretty pissed about that.

Anyway, it's none of our business what they do either. I'm gonna leave 'em to it, 'cause I'd expect them to let me and Leo just get on with it. Though I guess that's asking for a lot really, specially with Mike the interfering little manwhore. And Don the shrink. Yeah I bet that's why they got together. So they can form plans and strategies on how to interrupt and analyse the shit out of us.

"Stop worryin', they're fine. They're not kids Leo, they know the rules," I answered carelessly.

It was true. They did. Though Mike just ignored them most of the time. But to be fair, I suppose I do my share of rule breaking too. But hey what's life without a little adventure? Fucking boring that's what. I tell ya, if we were all like Leo and Don, this world would not be worth living in. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em both to bits, but seriously, if it were up to them, we'd be married to the dojo and the lab. And I just ain't having that.

"They act like kids sometimes. And you," He laughed softly, even nervously. It sounded weird, but not unpleasant.

"Yeah well, being an adult gets boring, gotta let some steam off every now and again," I shrugged once more.

"I kinda miss being able to do what I wanted," He confessed. His vice had that far away ring to it, and I knew he was on about his time in the jungle.

"Yeah, it's nice," I agreed amicably, the slightest of hints. Don't think he'll get it.

"Although there was a lot of stuf I couldn't do," Nope, he didn't get it.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Like this," And he pressed closer, touching his cold face against the hollow of my neck. Heh, I told you I'd make an alright teddy bear.

"This is good," I admitted softly, wrapping an arm around him.

Y'see, this is the thing about Fearless. You think you know him like the back of your hand or something, then he goes and pulls a stunt like this. It pisses me off, but I suppose at the same time it kinda makes it exciting. I mean I never know for sure what he's gonna do. When it comes to us I mean. With anything else it's so easy to predict his next move.

When Mike says a joke that ain't funny? He smiles and gives a soft chuckle anyway 'cause that's what Mike wants to hear. When Splinter's praised him? He'll go and join us on the sofa with a book. When Splinter tells him off? He sulks for hours in the dojo or his room, perfecting what he did wrong. When one of us ain't in? He sits at the kitchen table with cup after cup of tea until we return. See? Normally I can guess his reaction to a tee.

But that all goes to pot when it's just me and him. I never know if he's gonna push me away or pull me closer, become emo or out of his tree. I can guess, and a lotta the time I'm right. But I love and hate those times I'm fucking wrong. I just kinda wish he'd pick a personality and stick with it sometimes, especially if he reacts in a way I don't like. Like one day he'll be all smoochy and touchy-feely, and the next he'll barely be within two feet of me. Ugh.

Me? I'm emotional. Yeah I know what you're thinking. Raph's never good with emotion, he can't say what he feels. That's because I'm _led _by it, just like I'm led by him. My every action depends on how I feel. Whereas he always depends on what he's thinking. I listen to my heart, my instincts, 'cause they'll tell me how to survive, how to respond naturally. I'm overcome by them. Leo is so totally fucking different.

It's like he supresses these emotions and feelings so he can decide what's the best course of action. It makes me wonder how the gell he survived in the jungle, somewhere he needs to rely on his instincts and not once think about what will benefit others. God I'd have _thrived _in there. Perhaps that's why Splinter sent him, I dunno. Who am I to question good old dad?

I ain't got a clue what's going off in his head sometimes. All I know is, sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. I voice my opinion either way. I ain't got Leo's authority, Don's knowledge or Mike's energetic naivete. I gotta show I exist one way or another. Sucks being the middle kid sometimes.

It made me jump when he moved his hand from my waist to my thigh. His fingers were calloused from years of swordplay, leather sliding against leather. That tiny move must have took long, long, _long _minutes to think about. I fought the urge to shiver, it was cool and yet I felt my blood warm beneath his touch. God this fucks me off. Surely he knows what he does to me. Drives me up the fucking wall.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it. I dunno and I don't care, 'cause when he returned the kiss, just as hotly, as wetly, as goddamned hungrily, all rational thought just kinda vanished. I told you I was an emotional kinda guy. I get a feeling and I go with it, no ifs or buts about it. And trust me, at times like this, it fucking pays off.

I can't exactly describe it. All I know is, it was sort of worth it. Every painful second of waiting was worth it. Every sated breath and touch felt like I'd been reintroduced after a century of deprivation. Sounds crazy I know. It wasn't as I imagined that's for sure. I never expected to be so gentle, so reassuring. I always thought it would be rough, fast, heated. It was, in a way, but it was more human instead of animalistic. I was disappointed, and totally not all at once.

We were quiet, every noise coming out as a gasp or whimper, the bed barely moved. There was probably no need, Splinter would be dead to the world and Don and Mike would've been holed away in Don's little soundproof lab. Hm, they could've been doing it for months and we wouldn't have even known, sneaky bastards.

It was weird, seeing Leo give up control like that, but certainly not a bad thing. Hell it made it all the more exciting. I always knew I'd be the leader in bed, and God it was better than I'd ever dreamed. Making him do what _I _wanted, following _my _touch, aw fuck. And the best thing? He didn't give a damn. He _adored _it. Hearing him plead, whisper my name, clutch my arm and shake in the heat, well, let's just say it won't be something I'll forget in a hurry. Makes me shudder even now.

He was quiet afterwards. He laid on his side and didn't speak a word. At first I thought I'd hurt him. Well, I had a little, but that was to be expected. But when I slung an arm around his waist, he turned over and wriggled into my side, pressing his face to my collar. I couldn't tell if the musky, sweaty smell came from him or me, maybe it was both of us.

It didn't take long to fall asleep. We were both exhausted, and I knew he was dying for a shower. He hates being dirty or sweaty. God only knows how he managed in the jungle 'cause I bloody don't. I expected his silence, even his clingyness. Leo doesn't like to be laid bare, _hates _it. It's a wonder he managed to give in in the first place. It must have been because he really, _really _wanted it. Heh, I love being smug.

A part of me couldn't wait to brag to Don. He was worried I'd hurt old Fearless and here he was _begging_ for it. I'm not gonna though, this is mine, and I don't like to share. But I _was _proud. I finally got what I wanted, anyone's gonna be proud after that. Wonder if this is how Casey felt after he laid April for the first time. I'd ask if I weren't afraid he'd go into detail. Can't handle that shit.

I dunno if Casey'd be alright with it or not. I mean, he's quite an open-minded guy when he wants to be. Didn't even bat an eyelid when Angel told him she was gay. Not that that was unexpected to be fair, saw it a fucking mile off. Or I did anyway. Nah, Casey's okay. So is April for that matter. But telling them Leo's my mate and I do him up the ass? I think that'd freak them out. They're probably better off not knowing. For now at least anyway. Besides, they're planning the wedding, no need to put any more shit on their plate right?

I dunno, I'm kinda happy with it just being us two for now. Makes it better, more thrilling knowing we could be caught any second. It probably kills Leo, I bet he detests a thumping heart and that tight feeling in your chest. Ah, I love it. Makes you feel _alive_, gets your blood pumping and adrenalin going. Nothing better. 'Cept maybe sex, but obviously I didn't know that before.

No doubt Fearless is gonna be a little submissive for a while now. To say he's a control freak he sure does what he's told hell of a lot. But all this contact and intimacy is surely gonna freak him out. I'm cool with that. He'll get over it and see it's what he wants. He always does. And he'll keep coming back again and again.

I think he loves losing control, otherwise he'd have told me to piss off before now.

To Be Continued

A.N: Gah I know I chickened out, I'm sorry! I just can't bring myself to write anything citrussy. I just can't do it, I don't know why. Meh, at least you can imagine! Back to business, I'm not sure what there will be another chapter but I hope to god it won't be a year from now. Eh, I'm so sorry about that, I suck so much. Thanks for reading and please please stick with me!


	6. Chapter 6

My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear

Chapter Six

Leonardo's P.O.V

I've given a great deal of thought to how I would die. I know how I want to die and how I will die. They don't seem that different, but to me that subtle diversity matters the world. It is the difference between exiting this life with dignity and with shame. I have strived my whole life for dignity, for respect, for acceptance, and for perfection. It is a hard and unrewarding quest.

I thought I was going to die last night. I thought the heat of my blood would sear through my veins and through my skin to pour out onto the floor like hot lava. I have never felt such painful pleasure. And for the first time in my life I felt accepted, felt that hard, fruitless journey become almost meaningless. My brother held me, entered me, loved me.

I've never given a great deal of thought to sex. The Pacific Northwest salmon fights itself into a bloody pulp swimming miles upstream...for sex. Raph is that salmon. I realise this now. I should have noticed earlier, it's kind of odd that I didn't. Don watches a lot of animal biology programmes, you'd think it would have clicked by now.

I arose at dawn, as usual. The alcohol certainly doesn't affect me now as much as it used to. A part of me is regretful, but not regretful enough to start drinking more. I like not carrying the world on my shoulders for a while, but I feel lost without it, I couldn't do that to myself. I can still remember every second of last night.

Physically I felt stiff, and sore, in places I never would have thought possible. It's a bizarre sensation, something I hoped would ease off sometime soon. Metaphorically I felt like something within me had been misplaced. I wasn't quite sure what. That ever-precious dignity perhaps? No, I didn't feel ashamed. I felt incomplete, unsure. I didn't like it. I suppose I've lost my virginity, but I never saw that as something that carries any weight.

It's weird. Now I've had sex I'm starting to wonder – has everyone done it? Have Don and Mikey made love? What about April and Casey? Those two are a definite, surely? Although I can't see April as someone who plays around for the sake of it. She wouldn't go with Casey unless she really felt for him, right?

I don't know, I don't know why I'm thinking about it. It's one of my business what these people do, what Don and Mikey do. Although _that's _the strangest thing, imagining the two purest and peaceful people doing what Raph and I did. I'm not disgusted or ashamed. I'm...curious I think. How can it change you? What does it mean?

Some people abstain from sex until they are married. Before last night I would have said it would be easy. But now I've tasted sin I don't know how anyone could have the strength of will to do that. I thought if anyone could, it would most certainly be me. Not that I've ever given much thought to marriage either. I have too much to learn, too much to do, and so little time in which to do it in.

I padded into the kitchen for my regular cup of tea. Routine. That's what I needed more than anything today. After something so new and breathtaking, I need normality. Perhaps I'll even start a fight with Raphael for that extra touch of usualness. I need something reliable to reassure me everything isn't going to turn upside down on me. Slightly Autistic perhaps, definitely obsessive, but it's what I need.

Master Splinter's muffled cough stopped me thinking about sex. He's getting sicker I'm sure of it. I've tried to pretend it's not happening, but how can I when it's getting harder for him to breathe, when Donny emerges from his room looking like he had the world on his shoulders? I can't, and I don't think the others can either. It's just so difficult to talk about.

I grieved for Sensei's death a long time ago. The first time he got really sick, I wept for a death that hadn't happened yet. And then I carried on with my life. I am ready now to support my brothers through the onslaught of pain that awaits them. That is the job I've been assigned, what Master Splinter would want, I'm sure of it.

Raph, Don and Mikey will be okay, they'll get through it. They are strong, resourceful. I will too. I'm prepared for every outcome. We will see the light of another dawn together and we will be better brothers because of it. Raph has given me this strength, this will to carry on and live a life. With him. With Don and Mike.

When I took my mug to the sink, there was a single cup already in there. It was chipped, there was a faded picture of Scooby Doo on the side and coffee dregs in the bottom. It's not rare these days to see Don up and about before dawn. Nor is it rare to see coffee mugs littered around the place. My usually conscientious brother is starting to become as scatty as Michelangelo. If not more.

In a way, I will be glad to see Sensei at rest. It will set things in motion once more. We can all shed this heart-aching worry, Donny especially. We can focus on living once more, with Master Splinter a spiritual guidance, a beloved memory. He won't be in any more pain. God knows he's had enough. Will he be reincarnated? I don't know. But whatever happens to his soul, I hope he doesn't hurt any longer.

Don looked like death warmed up. I found him returning to Sensei's room with armfuls of fresh towels. Only now did the guilt make its presence known. Not only did I selfishly go out last night, leaving Mike and Don in a home that metaphorically stank of apprehension and despair, but I completely forgot about everything worthwhile as my brother made love to me.

I think Donny understood my cringe. He gave a soft smile which did nothing to relieve the purple bags underneath his eyes. I've seen this look before.

In the jungle village near where I'd lived for so long, there was an old washer woman. Each day she would collect her neighbors' dirty laundry, haul it to the river and spend all morning rinsing and scrubbing. Then she would return it in exchange for mere pennies and carry on home to care for her sick daughter.

I never met the girl. There were rumors in the village that she was weird and retarded, some even said she was possessed by the devil. All that is really known is a couple of years ago she was taken in by the charms of a young soldier and moved away to live with him. Months later she returned, unmarried and pregnant. Some say she had used the devil's power to bewitch the soldier, and he had disowned her once he saw how she had lied and tricked him.

Being from New York, I think I can see the truth in this story, see what really happened between the washer woman's daughter and the soldier. Either way, she miscarried and became deathly ill herself. The villagers were glad. They believed God had rid them of this devil spawn and was punishing the girl accordingly.

I don't know what the old washer woman believed. What I do know is that every penny and ounce of energy she owned went into keeping her daughter alive. You could say it was fruitless. It was not a rich village and the girl grew sicker and sicker with each passing day. I saw it in the old washer woman's face. I see it in Donny's face now.

The village secretly rejoiced when the girl finally died. They were free of evil. The old washer woman drowned herself in the river with her neighbors' laundry the next day. I watched her body float upstream to somewhere better. That night, smoke rose high from the village and the acrid stink of burning flesh hung around for days.

Master Splinter is not a witch controlled by the devil. But Donatello is that old washer woman. I was not obliged to 'save' either the girl or the old woman, nor did I want to. I have no medical ability, I would have been of no use to the girl. And the old woman was finally free. I could not stand in her way.

Just as I am powerless now. It is Donatello who holds the talent to save our father's life. I do not doubt my brother's abilities one jot, but I fear this is beyond him. I think if it is your time to depart from this world, then no amount of skill or technology can change that.

Donny disagrees. It is always 'If only I had this' or 'Things would be better if I could get my hands on that'. He does not seem to realize you get what you are given, nothing more, and you must do your best with that. Even if you deserve more. God knows we deserve more. But we haven't been given it. So we must make do with the tools we have.

We have been quite lucky over the years. We found suitable living quarters. We grew up reasonably healthy, despite going to bed many a night with grumbling stomachs. Master Splinter knew ninjitsu, which has certainly helped to increase our life span. We met April and Casey. We have been extremely lucky. It didn't have to be this way.

"How's he doing?" My voice was quiet, odd and disruptive in the silence.

I saw my brother hesitate and my heart plunged. He was worse. I didn't think he was getting any better. For the first time since I left for the jungle, I felt like I was going to break. I was going to shatter into tiny pieces that could never be repaired. But I saw Donny blink back a couple of barely-there tears and I was able to glue myself back together for him. I was proud to hear his voice falter only once.

"I don't think...he won't ma...make the night,"

I nodded blankly. It was what I expected. Sensei would die before the day was through. I had to accept this now so I could be their rock tonight. And surprisingly I was okay with that. I prepared for this a long time ago. I'm ready.

"What about Raph and Mike?" I asked. If he was shocked and how calm and steady I was, he didn't show it.

"I don't know," He admitted softly.

Is it better to let them know, to warn them, in advance? Will this cause unnecessary trauma and worry? What if he pulls through and survives tonight? We'll just be waiting and waiting, hanging in limbo. But I think they deserve to know. Raph would be furious if we kept something like that from him. Mikey would be confused, upset.

"I think we should tell them," I suggested faintly.

He simply nodded, and I could tell he agreed with my unspoken reasons. He'd be hurt too if something like this had been kept from him. I think knowing in advance helps. It certainly doesn't ease the pain, but you can prepare yourself, so it's that tiny bit easier to bear. Donny is preparing himself now, I can see it. If nothing else, Donny prepares well.

"You tell them,"

With that, he moved back towards Splinter's room. He prepares well, even if it means removing himself from direct fire. He's never liked confrontation, or other close, emotional encounters much. He'll be there to confirm the medical details, but he'll leave the brunt of the work to me, because he knows he wouldn't be able to handle it. I should mind, but I don't, not really. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know. I just know that's the way things are around here.

I wasn't exactly sure what to say to them. Family meeting in the kitchen asap? They'd know something was up, they're not stupid. I suppose that's all I _can _say without Donny. I needed him. Family meeting it is then. We have them often enough. Heck, we even had one the other day about not screwing the cap back on the toothpaste and other matters of bathroom etiquette. God I'd kill to have another meeting about that.

Mikey was already up, which was strange. We weren't to practice for another couple of hours, it was still early. But he was awake, flicking through a number of contemporary art books. The absence of comic books was even stranger. He was pleasant though, cheerfully explaining how April had e-mailed him a link to some painting he had found interesting so he was doing some research. He followed my instructions to gather for a family meeting instantly, grabbing a couple of books and taking them with him.

Approaching my room was...difficult. It was weird, I'd spent all night in there with him, done things I never imagined possible. But it still took every ounce of strength I had to reach out and open the door. He was still dozing, sprawled haphazardly across my once pristine bed. I fought the urge to straighten the sheets and made my way over, shutting the door softly behind me. Seeing him there, the same as always, calmed and fluttered my heart at the exact same time.

He awoke without me even having to say a word. Our ninjitsu is so acute now we are alerted to one another's presence, even if we can't hear them breathing. That and I think my brothers and I are so incredibly attuned to each other it's like we are linked in mind. I think it might have something to do with sharing beds when we were young. We quickly got used to each other's movements and breathing that we adjusted ourselves to accommodate for it.

He made to give me a cocky grin as he sat up but one look at my face made him freeze in his tracks.

"What's wrong?" He asked worriedly.

I hardened myself, slipped on the Fearless Leader mask.

"Another meeting," I replied numbly. He frowned at me but followed me out anyway.

They took it well. Or, as well as can be expected. Mikey cried quietly into his hands. I was surprised that Don didn't comfort him, but then, Don has his own grieving to do. Raph punched the wall and made the stone crack. But then he leaned against it and didn't say a word.

I removed myself from the scene to meditate. It might seem cold, but it was what I had to do to keep myself from breaking down. It allowed me to repair the cracks in that mask. No one disturbed me. When I returned to the main room Mikey was sat on the couch, flicking through channels. His forlorn blue eyes stared into an entirely different place than the TV.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sitting next to him. He offered me a sad smile.

"Yeah. I'm just...trying to get used to the idea that's all," He replied quietly.

I nodded in understanding. It would take a long time, Master Splinter had been there all our lives. But it was inevitable. He knew as well as I did the time would come where we would be by ourselves. I just mourned it a long time ago.

"Where are the others?" I wanted to know.

"Donny's in his room, I think he's talking to April. Raph's with Splinter. He thought it would be a good idea to say his peace, say g'bye," He explained in that dead voice.

"That is a good idea," I agreed. For Raph, anyway. "Are you going to do the same?"

"Yeah. There are a few things I want to say to him. Are you?" He looked up, eyes searching mine.

"I don't think so," I replied gently, turning away. Nothing was said for a little while.

"You said goodbye, a long time ago, didn't you?" He whispered. I nodded.

He didn't say anything to that and went back to flitting through the channels. I watched the flashing screen, amazed at how observant my little brother was. We underestimated him a great deal. He always knows when something is amiss, providing he doesn't get distracted. Sadly that happens a lot.

We weren't sat there for long when Raph emerged from Sensei's room. There were fresh tears on his face and he rubbed them away angrily. I ached to comfort him, but I knew he would want to be left alone. I know I would. So I watched him turn and ascend the stairs with heavy feet. This was his way of dealing. I needed to left him get on with that.

"What do you think he said?" Mike wondered out loud. He was hugging his knees against his plastron and now he rested his chin on them.

"I don't know. I think that should stay between him and Master Splinter," I answered. Sensei would quite literally take it to the grave.

"Yeah. You're right. As usual," He gave me a half-hearted smile that I couldn't help but return.

We sat together a little longer. Mikey gradually began to lean on me more and more. I let him. It was strange. I felt calm, almost relieved. I thought this would be harder for me, but it wasn't. It was as if Sensei had been gone a long time for me. This was good. It meant I could keep them altogether.

It wasn't long before Don emerged from his workroom, snuffling loudly. Dejectedly he came and sat the other side of me, staring blankly at the commercial on the screen. No one said anything.

"April and Casey are coming when they've finished work. I told them not to but they want to...help," He said finally. His voice was dead, and I was sorely reminded of the old washer woman.

"Good. I want to see them," Mikey cracked his first true smile in ages. Donny nodded, but his expression didn't alter one bit.

"Is Raph finished?" He asked.

"Yeah, he's in his room," I replied tenderly.

He got up without a word and slipped into Sensei's room. He was either checking up on him or saying his own goodbye, probably both. Mike didn't speak, just let out a shuddering sigh and moved closer to me. We didn't move for hours.

Don came and left but we still didn't move. The TV now played some lame soap opera but we weren't watching. It gave me a sense of purpose, sitting here with Michelangelo, even if we weren't technically doing anything. He wept soundlessly, and holding him close eased the pain slightly for him. He could count on his big brother. Until the very end.

It was late afternoon when he finally spoke and pulled stiffly away from me.

"I think...I want to go see Sensei," He whispered, rubbing his red, sore eyes with the back of his hand.

I nodded and watched him leave. The lair was just far too quiet. It gave me the creeps. I felt a little bit guilty that I hadn't felt one twinge of grief, but I told myself that was a good thing. My brothers needed my thoughts and energy now, not him.

I rose from the couch, joints creaking a little from being sat still so long. I entered Donny's lab with caution, but it was needless. He wasn't messing around with bomb parts today. He was sat at his desk, fiddling with loose bits of wire and spare fuses. He was staring into the distance, eyes watering.

He snapped out of it when I perched myself on one of his counters and he sighed, tossing down the wire. He wiped his eyes with calloused fingers but didn't offer me any false smiles or reassurances. That was one of the things I liked about Donatello. He never lies.

"You gonna be okay?" I asked quietly. He sighed again but nodded.

"Have to be, don't we?" He answered in defeat.

I nodded this time. He was right, we did. After myself, I think Donny is the most prepared. I was proud of him, refusing to wallow in pity. He must have guessed long ago, when Sensei first became ill, that we would eventually lose him this time. I guess Splinter's role here is finished.

"Besides, it's not all bad. He won't be hurting anymore. And we're still here, together. That's the main thing," He added, giving me a soft smile.

_For now, _I wanted to say, but I didn't. Now was not the time to worry about the possibility of our own deaths. We always knew that to be a mutant turtle, to be ninja, to fight against the Shredder, would decrease our life expectancy. Everyday we risk death. We've accepted that. Whether we can deal with it is another matter.

"You're right," I agreed.

"Is Mike okay?" I nodded. "Is he with Master Splinter?" Another nod. "I'd like it if you saw him. It will do you good. It did me. Helped me accept it," He said quietly, surveying me with bereft eyes.

"I..." I paused and looked away. He wouldn't like it but I couldn't lie to him. "I have nothing to say to him," I murmured coolly, avoiding his eyes.

"What? Why not?" His voice was crisp, accusing, and I flinched.

"I just don't, okay Don?" I bristled in defense.

"No it's not okay! He's on his deathbed in there and you _have nothing to say to him_?" He demanded furiously, voice cracking with emotion. His eyes threatened to overflow again.

I don't know why I was so on edge. I wanted to tell him to mind his own business but I owed him more than that. Of course it would seem unnatural. Our father was dying and I wouldn't go to his side. That must appear too cold, too uncaring.

I was scared to go into his room. What if I could only remember the harsh expectations, the crushing weight, and not the good things? I've already said goodbye and thank you all that time ago. Wasn't that enough?

But Donny didn't know that. Why should he? He's not as observant as Michelangelo. He's so absent-minded, busy with so many other things. For him, I would see our Sensei. And Raph, because I know he wouldn't agree with it either. Sometimes I wish they were as accepting and unquestioning as Mikey.

"Let's not argue Donny, I'll go see him, I promise," I said sincerely, hopping down from the counter and approaching him.

He nodded in acceptance and let me envelope him in a tight embrace. He sniffled into my collar and I let him. I was doing a good job. I felt supportive, a real big brother. The leader within me was put aside, just for a little while. It felt good to take a break.

"I have work to do," He said eventually, pulling away and bringing himself together.

"I'm proud of you Donny," I said into the awkward silence. He flushed and distracted himself with some papers.

I nodded and left him to it. I barely heard him whisper his thanks, but I did and gave him a small smile before leaving him to it. Donny would be okay, I was sure of it. He differed to the old washer woman. He wasn't alone.

I decided to see Master Splinter and get it over with. I had no reason to doubt Don's judgment, he had never been wrong before, but a horrified part of me thought what if he lived through this? I'd be so ashamed. I wasn't planning on telling him anything embarrassing, in fact I planned on telling him nothing at all. But still, saying goodbye to have him pull through would make me feel very, very stupid.

Raph had come down from his room and was talking to Mike on the couch. He looked drained, stretched even. I swelled with pride hearing my brothers reassure one another and shoulder each other's grief. It made my job just that tiny bit easier and I was grateful.

I paused outside Sensei's room, and I could feel their eyes boring into my shell. This was hard. Such a simple task I'd done a million times before, yet my legs refused to move. I took a deep breath, steeling myself. This is ridiculous. Just do it. Just put your fingers on the handle and go in. No big deal.

"Are you going to see Sensei, Leo?" Mike asked curiously, a hint of happiness shining through.

I nodded but didn't move a muscle. Before I knew it, Raphael had stepped before me. I hadn't even seen him move. Suddenly he crushed me in a hug. I blinked, taken by surprise. I lifted my hands slowly, dazedly placing my hands on his biceps to return the gesture.

I felt his lips tenderly press themselves against the weathered skin on my shoulder. I instantly tensed. Mike was watching. What on earth did he think he was doing? I expected some loud exclamation, but our younger brother didn't utter a word. I hardly dared to breathe. It wasn't long after that Raph let me go.

And opened the door for me.

It stunk inside, of sweat and cough medicine. No incense burned, it was odd seeing the room without a haze of smoke. The light was dim, it was hard to see. When I looked over at his bed my stomach lurched and I thought he was already dead. But then his chest rose ever so slightly and he mumbled in his fever ridden sleep.

I sat down in the chair next to him, fully intending to just sit there for a while and then take my leave. It was nauseating, watching him die. I could feel it, feel his energy slowly trickling into the darkness. This was different to watching criminals die. There was no malice or determination behind this. Sensei wasn't fighting anymore. He was waiting patiently for death.

After ten minutes I wondered if I could come out yet. I was starting to feel sick. I had no desire to spill my guts to him, in life or death. There are a lot of things I didn't want him to know, and I'd already thanked him a million times. I had nothing to say now.

It was like babysitting a corpse. He barely moved or spoke. I can't understand why I didn't feel hurt or upset. I was impatient, frustrated. I wanted him to die. I'd already gotten over his death. I wanted him to pass to the afterlife so my brothers could too.

"Leonardo,"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. His voice was barely a rasp, a shadow of a breath. My blood turned to ice as he turned his head to peer at me. There was a sort of milky glaze to his eyes. He coughed and I could see the tiniest sprinkling of moisture stain his pillow. It was like facing one back from the dead.

"Yes, Sensei?" I asked politely. Years of obedience forbade me to do otherwise.

"I did not think...you would come," I could see it was difficult for him to speak, as if he had to physically force the words from his throat.

"I'm here Sensei," I instantly felt guilty. And terrified. As if his last words to me will be a telling off.

"You have taken care of your brothers well. And I know you will continue to," Each word was labored with heavy gasps now. My heart clenched. The time was drawing near.

"Yes Sensei," I whispered. I would take care of them as if my life depended on it.

"I know there is something you have been keeping from me,"

I immediately froze. He knew. Damn it. Had Raphael told him? But we'd agreed. Splinter was not to be told. I was more than happy for it to stay that way. Maybe before I'd had my doubts, fretted about lying to our Sensei. But I know now I could not risk losing Raphael. I would rather keep my master in the dark. Even in death.

But now that was blown. I felt the rebellion stir deep within me. I wanted to say I don't care! I will stay with Raph! But all those years of obedience squashed the rebellion. This was my Sensei. I had to listen to him. Especially now in his last, dying moments.

"Yes Sensei," I breathed, lowering my eyes in shame.

"Is it right for a leader to keep secrets from his master?" He was coughing again, face twisted in pain.

"No Sensei," I answered quietly.

I knew this was a bad idea. I should have defied Don and faced the consequences. Surely they'd have been better than this. I wouldn't remember him as a lecturing corpse, for one thing. I didn't have to know his last words to me would be full of disdain. I bet he didn't say any of this to Raph or the others.

"I know...about your relationship with your brother," He hissed, fixing me with beady, accusing eyes.

I couldn't help but let out a gasp, my heart literally thumping against my plastron.

"It is _wrong_," He spat out with strain. "It is..."

He was suddenly plagued with another fit of coughs. His spine arched with the pressure on his chest. Sickeningly, I realized it wasn't saliva he had been spitting out. It was blood. I could tell this was it now. He wasn't even fighting. He just let the illness take root. Abruptly he went rigid, still beneath the sheets. His eyes were like stone.

He was dead.

_Wrong _echoed deafeningly in my ears.

To Be Continued

A.N: I'm a bad author. I'm so sorry guys. But hey, better late than never right? Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll try hard with seven I promise. Take care!


	7. Chapter 7

A.N: Ring the bells, praise the gods! I come with an update! Wow I suck. But hey, if it's any consolation I seem to have broken my writer's block with this! I admit, I was in two minds about completing this story. Looking back on it, it was just full of swearwords with a side order of plot haha. You will see that my writing style has altered (certainly in Raph's case), but hopefully for the better! The next chapter may be the last, I'm not sure yet. We'll see. I hope you enjoy the latest instalment and that it's not a disappointment! Many thanks for sticking it out this far!

My Enemies Aren't the Ones I Fear

Chapter Seven

Raphael's P.O.V

It was quiet, too damn quiet. It was as if our voices had died along with Master Splinter, and I sure as hell didn't like it. It wasn't for my lack of trying either. Don had immersed himself with his darn contraptions. Mikey was doing enough cooking and baking to feed the entire Foot Clan. And Leo? Well, that dickhead was almost going about life as if nothing had changed.

Except he wouldn't say one damn word to me. Nothing. Not even a hello or a goodbye. It was as if I didn't even exist, and to say it was pissing me off was a humongous understatement. I'd tried everything. A nice simple conversation, a full blown argument, even a sly kiss or two. And he completely brushed me off, didn't even acknowledge I was there.

Things have been hard since we lost Sensei. But they're getting easier day by day. For me, at least, I dunno about the others. It's not like it hurts any less, but I can cope a bit better each time. We buried him three weeks ago, up at Casey's farm. That was nice. Is nice the wrong word? How can a funeral be _nice_? Well, it was...calming. It helped, anyway. Closure, I guess.

I wanted to tell him about me and Leo, what there is between us. Or was. God knows what's happened to it. But I couldn't. He was praising me, and thanking me, right there as he was kicking it. I couldn't bring myself to ruin that. I never got it much, it was always the younger two he saved his pride for. Hearing him say he was proud of me was the best thing I'd ever heard. I couldn't destroy that.

So he died not knowing, which is best I guess. Ignorance is bliss and all that shit. It's better that way, if you ask me. Sure, we'll never know what he thought about it, but we wouldn't risk that image he had of us. Although Splinter could be a pretty chilled out guy at times. He was big on secrecy and all that, but when it came to our happiness, anything went.

Casey and April have been a godsend. Man, we owe hell of a lot to those two. They've been round most nights helping us out, stopping us from turning into total reclusive douchebags. I think even old Fearless Leader is grateful. Still, to be fair, he's been great with the other two, encouraging Don to take a break every now and again and making Mike actually eat his food instead of leaving it in the fridge.

I think they're getting better too. We're slowly starting to get our heads around the fact that it's just the four of us now and we have to take care of ourselves. We're ready, I know we are. We all knew this was gonna come. He prepared us for it a long time ago. Hell, that's probably why he sent Leo off, so he could centre himself before becoming head of the clan.

I honestly don't get it. It's tough, what happened, but I don't think this is because he's upset about Splinter, 'cause he ain't, that's obvious. That's pissed me off too now I think about it. It's almost as if he doesn't care, which I know ain't true. He loved Splinter like the rest of us. But right from five minutes after he died, Leo was carrying on as if it was just a normal day.

He shouted us into Splinter's room when he died, stayed with us for ten minutes whilst we grieved, then went about his daily business. It's fucking weird, I swear. He's planned for this. But how can anyone plan to that extent? Has he genuinely already gotten over Splinter's death, long before it even happened. God that guy's a nutjob.

I swear when he's not badgering Don and Mikey he spends all of his free time in the dojo, avoiding us. At least before all this shit he had other stuff to do. He'd read, or listen to his emo music or something. I haven't seen him pick up a book in months.

I need to sort this out. I need to fix this. Our family's fallen apart once before and I'll be damned if I let it happen again. I ain't losing this, I ain't losing them, or _him_. We didn't go through all that shit with Winters to fall at the first hurdle. It was Leo who fixed it all last time. Now it's my turn. I'll glue us back together.

One problem. I don't know how. I know that all Mike and Don need is time. They have each other. I've seen 'em, spending nights in each other's beds. It might be innocent. I don't think it is. But either way, I don't give a shit. I'm grateful. They can support one another.

But I can't support Leo. And he certainly ain't supporting me. That's where the fault is. How can I even begin to sort this whole mess out when he isn't even prepared to acknowledge my existence? He can't go on like this. How much longer can he keep this up? It's not like he'll still be able to ignore me five years down the line.

That's if we're not dead by then.

Casey will be here soon. It's like the hours are dragging. I need to get out. I need a break from this loony bin before I go completely psycho. I need raw, violent anger. I need deafening noise. I need blood-chilling excitement. Anything to remind me that everything's moving on, that the world's still turning, that life's still going on outside of this hell hole.

We're only doing the usual, finding some fights and then chilling at Claw's. Going there with Leo seems like years ago, another lifetime even. I'd give anything to go back to that. I'd even kill for it. To hear his carefree, laughing voice tell me he'd learnt to piss with no hands. To watch him relax and throw away the mask without even a second thought. There's nothing I want more right now.

"Hey,"

I looked up from the depths of my soda bottle to see Donny approach the kettle, probably after coffee. His voice was quiet, croaky, under-used. I offered my own greeting and watched him potter around, looking for a clean mug. His movements were slow, jerky, tired. I knew that any idea of practising had left his and Mike's heads, and neither Leo or me had the heart to force them. It'll come back in time.

"Me and Mikey are going to stay at April's tonight," He murmured, finally locating two mugs and filling them with the desired drinks. Coffee granules in one, hot cocoa powder in the other.

"Huh," I scoffed, shaking my head in amusement. "Fearless is gonna _love _having the place to himself,"

It's his worst nightmare. All of us out of his sight, topside, without his supervision. And he'll have nothing to occupy himself with. He'll fail at meditating, spend a fitful, sleepless night silently panicking and pacing the floor. Then me and Casey will stagger in at god knows what hour out of our faces. Hm, wonder if he'll lecture me or just go to bed. Bet it'd take all of his strength to just walk away without a word.

"You should take him with you, it'll be good for him," Donny suggested, adding boiling water to the mugs.

"Yeah right. I don't exist to him, remember?" I sneered, pulling indignantly at the label on my bottle. Don shook his head this time, fetching milk from the fridge.

"If it was me, I'd be doing everything I could to have him notice me again,"

Something in his voice made me look up and scrutinise him. There was a fervour there, a determination. _If it was me._ He didn't look at me, just focussed on his drinks. I don't know what made me say it. I just needed to know that they had something worth keeping, something that would help them through this entire mess.

"You an' Mike. Are you...?" I paused and frowned, unsure of the right words. _Bumping uglies _sounded far too crude.

"Like you and Leo?" He caught on quickly, his voice hollow almost. I didn't realise I was holding my breath. "Yes," He whispered, refusing to look at me.

I couldn't feel smug, not in the circumstances. I felt relieved. It was good that they shared something so...special. Yeah, it was special, between Leo and me. It meant more than your standard relationship. Because we were brothers. We were best friends. There was a bond there that no regular couple had. And it was over.

"I'm glad," I said simply, swigging the last, flat dregs in my bottle.

"I love him," Donny breathed. I noticed him grip the counter hard, his knuckles white with the strain. He glared at the steaming drinks as if he wished they held all the answers. "Do you love Leo?" He demanded.

I hesitated. Did I?

"I don't know," I answered truthfully.

"If you did, you'd make this right," He declared forcefully, his voice faltering ever so slightly.

I didn't reply, twisting the bottle in my hands. When he realised I wasn't going to respond, he took his drinks and left me alone. I don't know if I loved him. I always thought love was a waste of time. At least that sickly, fake love humans think they have. I never wanted it. I'd always thought it was so fickle. It could easily be destroyed. Even April and Casey's. Theirs especially is always on tenterhooks.

I've never thought that about me and Leo. What we had, it always seemed resilient, ever-lasting. Something that had existed ever since we were born. I'd never call it love. 'Love' didn't seem to do it justice.

At that moment, I heard the groaning of the front door and Casey's loud, energetic greetings. I swear, the guy doesn't even _sleep _quietly. He's all snorts and snores. With a sigh I got up to meet him, tossing my soda bottle in the trash on the way. It's probably a good thing that Mike and Don are staying at April's. That meant Casey could crash here and I wouldn't have her bitching to me tomorrow morning about how he threw up in bed again. At least I make it to the john, geez.

"Hey bro, you all set?" Casey asked, standing before the TV and swinging his bat restlessly.

"Yeah, just gimme one sec," I answered, eyeing him warily.

The loon had a bad habit of losing grip when he did that. I don't think Mike'd ever forgive him for smashing the TV in this dark time. I paused on my way to my room, hit with a sudden flash of inspiration. This was a perfect opportunity to kill several birds with one stone.

"Hey Case. Y'hungry? Go eat some leftovers will ya? I'll be five minutes,"

The guy didn't take much persuading. He was off into the kitchen before I could finish the damn sentence. I guess the lure of Mikey's cooking was just too much for him. Still, it buys me some time and clears some room in the fridge. If Mike carries on like this, we'll haveta start donating to the soup kitchen, and that's something we never do. Hey, good food is scarce in the sewers ya know?

I passed my room and continued to Leo's. The door was open a hair's breadth, all the better to hear what's going on downstairs I'd learnt over the years. I pushed it open and slid into the near darkness, closing it behind me with a soft click. It was deathly quiet.

He was knelt before a single candle, its flame flickering and dancing with the interfering breeze I'd caused. The orange glow lit his features and cast eerie shadows across his eyes. As I expected, he remained as still as a statue, eyes closed and expression stoic. He knew it was me then. Anyone else and they'd have his undivided attention.

"Hey. Just lettin' y'know, me 'n' Case are goin' out now," I informed him, fighting to keep my voice light and casual.

Not a word. Not even a twitch of movement. I honestly don't get how he does it. Pisses me off. Pompous bastard. I bit back the growl forming in the back of my throat and flexed out the urge in my fingers. No. It was important I remained calm. I didn't want this to escalate into a fight no matter how satisfying that would be.

"Don 'n' Mike are stayin' at April's. You'll have the place to yourself,"

There it was. It was subtle, you'd only see it if you were looking for it. I spotted it instantly, the slight tensing of his broad shoulders, the tiniest hitch in his oh so measured breathing. Tell-tale signs of panic. A whole evening. Alone. With nothing but his thoughts for company. He'd go mad. I carried on, pretending I was oblivious.

"I dunno what time we'll be back. Late probably. Don't bother waiting up,"

I smirked as he clenched his fists hard, bracing them against his knees. This was killing him. He was dying to either lecture me or beg to tag along, I could tell. His self-imposed cold-shoulder was falling apart with a few well-placed words. As quietly as I could I knelt before him. He knew I was close, he froze as he felt my breath on his neck. I leaned forward.

"What's wrong, big brother? You seem tense," I whispered, voice as smooth as silk.

I brushed his throat gently with my forefinger. Finally, his eyes snapped open and bore into mine. The same shade of amber, so close it was like looking into a mirror. They were frantic, silently begging me not to leave him alone. I wouldn't, if only he'd just ask me out loud.

"I'm getting' sick t'death of this Leo. I ain't got a fuckin' clue what yer playin' at," I hissed, my cool demeanour finally cracking and showing him just how much he'd pissed me off.

He winced at my tone, casting his eyes to the floor now he'd lost the battle. In any other situation, I'd be gloating at my victory, but I'm too damn angry. This wasn't good enough. I wanted vocal acknowledgement. I wanted to smash his shaky resolve. I'm getting really damn tired of him doing stupid shit he thinks is best. It's time for me to decide.

I moved as fast as lightning, catching him off guard. I seized his faced with a fierce grasp and crushed my mouth against his own. I'd always hated our version of kissing, too awkward and clumsy, but if it'll make him see how plain stupid this all is then so be it.

I wrestled him to the floor, semi-aware of the church candle somewhere behind us. He struggled, pulled at my arms and writhed underneath me. It didn't take long for him to give in, not with my body weight. I know he could feel my smirk when he caved completely and kissed me back. Big brother was always a sucker for kisses.

But still there was no noise. Now he was no longer resisting, I removed my hands from his face, resting them on his waist instead, the soft skin between shell and plastron. He shivered against me and I took the opportunity to break the kiss, instead assaulting his throat with my teeth. He hissed, a sharp intake at the unexpected pain. I licked to soothe the sore skin, running my hands down to his inside thighs, where the skin was even smoother.

Just as I stroked the sensitive opening between his legs, he shuddered violently as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water on him. My name came out as a broken gasp in the back silence, his fingers digging painfully into my forearms.

"R-Raph, don't!"

I obeyed, chuckling darkly and removing my hands. I knelt back on my haunches, watching him in the dim candlelight. He laid perfectly still, his chest heaving from panic. I would've gone further, without a doubt, if that's what it took. But he's so shy of personal pleasure. If I was torturing him with pain he would have lasted so much longer. That was why sex with him that night weeks ago was just that much more fun.

"So you _do _remember my name," I mocked, watching him gradually recover. He sat up then, face full of apologies.

"Raph, I-"

"Save it," I interrupted mercilessly, climbing to my feet. "Casey's waiting. You should come with us. You need to get out of here more than I do," I offered him my hand.

He stared at it, weighing up his options. I know he was dying to explain himself but I didn't wanna hear it, not yet. I wasn't interested. I wanted to get out, breathe. His story could wait. All that mattered was he was talking to me again and we get out of this shithole and forget everything, if only for a little while.

He took my hand. I hauled him up, his lean frame rising gracefully. I waited for him while he grabbed his coat, doused his candle. We were plunged into darkness. I barely even heard him breathing. His sudden touch was desperate, his mouth hot and wet. It took my by surprise, this frantic longing. He was never one for initiating contact. Either he was too frightened of rejection or terrified of his own carnal desires. Probably both.

We made out in the dark. It was sloppy, fumbling around and reintroducing ourselves to one another. I'd never seen him this tightly wound and eager. The slightest touch and he was shaking, whimpering into my mouth or against the cool skin of my collar.

It was me who broke it off. As hot and interesting as this was, Casey would be starting to wonder where I was. He doesn't have Mike and Donny's respect for privacy. Having him bust in on a heavy make out sesh with my brother was not a good idea. I pulled away, leaving him wanting and frustrated. It took some damn effort, I can tell you.

"C'mon," My voice was husky and intrusive in the silence.

Casey accepted our repaired friendship with welcoming warmth. Despite all his faults, the douchebag could accept anybody, warts and all. Hell, we were proof of that, shells and all. It was almost as if nothing had ever happened. As if me and Leo hadn't stopped speaking. Just another Friday night.

Claw's place was quiet to say it was the start of the weekend. A good thing. Leo gets nervous and edgy when it's packed. Even Purple Dragon activity had been subdued. We'd had to go out further than usual, ransack the warehouses on the outskirts of town. But it had been worth it. I felt more relaxed that I had in a long time, even without the alcohol.

Instead of sitting at the bar, we chose a round table in a corner, dark and less smoky. I don't know why we bother. Folks have got to have seen glimpses of green or noticed we were missing two fingers and clearly they didn't give a shit. There are humans out there who are more than happy to accept us as long as we don't cause any trouble. It's just finding them.

Leo was mostly silent. Took his bottle with whispered thanks and sat where it was darkest. I was in such a good mood I didn't care. It was an achievement just to get him out. On occasion he'd catch me watching him and offer a small smile, just to let me know he wasn't ignoring me again.

"Dude, y'can't have _Smack Dese Bitches_ as your first song. She'll kill ya," I shook my head, continuing the conversation we had been having earlier.

Casey and April were doing the ultimate cheese fest for their wedding. They each have to pick a song they think describes their relationship and then dance to it. Obviously we won't be there for that bit but I've given April explicit instructions to make sure her sister films it. Watching Casey waltz around in a monkey suit to some flouncy love song will be one of the best moments of my entire life.

"But it's awesome!" He whined. I swear he's got that voice from Mike.

"It's stupid. And everyone will think you throw her around and pimp her out," I argued. As funny as it would be to see April go ape shit on his ass, it's not fair to do that to her on her wedding day.

"Oh yeah? Well what do you suggest, Dr. Love?" Casey requested hotly.

I paused to think of an oh so romantic, oh so epic song that would score him for life. Without warning, Leo piped up from his dusty corner.

"_All I Ask Of You _from _Phantom_. She'll never expect it. It's her favourite. She'll be putty in your hands," He suggested confidently, sitting forward to join us properly and coming into the light.

"You serious?" Casey wanted to know. We were both staring at him in amazement. It was his first full sentence all night. He simply nodded.

"And how do you know that?" I observed him suspiciously. He'd made no previous indication of listening to show tunes in his spare time, and I'd have to reconsider our relationship if he did.

"There's an upside to being the shy, quiet one," He replied casually, drinking his beer. "Girls think you're trustworthy and tell you all their secrets,"

Casey and I burst out laughing. It was so good to hear my brother's voice again, and even better to hear him joking. The embarrassed grin he gave reminded me of the first time I brought him out. The arrogant, cocky Leo that turned me on. He wasn't quite the same. Even though he was laughing, it didn't quite reach his eyes.

Something fricking awful had to have happened to make him completely ignore me. And the way he kissed me earlier, it was as if he had been deprived for months. It was more than just your standard horny turtle. And I don't think Splinter's death was the cause. That would have bought him closer to me for support, like it did with Don and Mike. No, something was definitely fucked up. And later on, I'm finding out exactly what it was.

"Alright then, Mr. God's Gift To Women, what else does she tell you?" Casey demanded haughtily, clearly determined to challenge Leo's new-found superiority.

"She told me once that was the most romantic thing you'd ever done for her was break wind and then held her head under the sheets," Leo dead-panned without a moment's hesitation.

Casey spluttered, embarrassed enough to turn bright red. I couldn't help but piss myself at his expense. There's no room for loyalty when it's just so damn funny. Leo grinned wider and I just had to chink the neck of my beer bottle against his and take a swig in his honour. Seeing him like this, relaxed and laughing, made up for weeks of silent treatment.

It was a good night, the kind that only comes after a really tough few weeks. Those are the best. You never appreciate your friends, or a good beer, more than you do after one of those nights. Remind me to get a few beers in and drag Mike and Don outta the lab. Don likes to pretend he's 'cool' when he's had a drink and god knows we could all use a laugh.

Casey was smashed. So smashed Claw refused to serve him again and ordered we took him home. I've never heard Leo laugh so much, or so freely. Even dragging Casey between us through the sewers he was still chuckling to himself. It sounded so damn good. I never thought I'd love a sound more than the ones he made during sex.

We dumped the lightweight in Mike's room and let him crash. Leo had enough sense to leave him the waste paper basket. Don't think Mike would appreciate upchuck all over his floor. Although to be fair, he doesn't spend much time in her recently. If he's not cooking, he takes his comics and stuff into the lab. I'm pretty sure he's been sleeping in there too. Hey, if it gets Don to actually sleep in a bed instead of at his desk that's gotta be a good thing.

There was an awkward silence that fell between us, destroyed only by Casey's loud snoring. He wouldn't look at me, fixated instead on Mike's lava lamp, so I left him to take a shower. It was weird, how he'd gone from laughing to this pretentious tension. There was confusion, frustration hanging over us. I wanted answers and he knew it. Wouldn't surprise me if he'd respond in the typical Leo way. Withdraw and pretend none of this shit was happening.

The hot water felt refreshing. It drove away the buzzing giddiness the alcohol had brought on. Neither me or Leo were that drunk. Casey drank a lot faster than us and we were always really full from all of Mikey's cooking lately. Either that or turtles generally handled alcohol better, I dunno. I stayed in for a good twenty minutes, singing deeply and reluctant to step out of the warmth.

As I was drying, the bathroom door opened and my big brother stepped in, head bent and cheeks blushed. He must've waited until he heard me shut off the water. I watched him curiously, drying myself more slowly. He was embarrassed, I could tell by the roundness of his shoulders, his nervous posture.

"I wanted to...thank you. For tonight," He murmured to the grubby white tiles.

"No worries," I replied carelessly, tossing my towel aside.

Another troubled silence. He was fighting with himself. Fight or flight. Sort this shit out or retreat to the safety of his bedroom. Which wouldn't be safe for very long. I'd follow him and force him to explain himself one way or another. And he knew it too.

"So what? We're gonna go back to you ignorin' me now?" I spat hostilely, enjoying his visible flinch.

"No," He breathed, shaking his head.

I sighed in annoyance when he didn't say anything else. I hate this about him. How can he go from laughing and cheerful one minute, to morbid and reclusive the next? It just doesn't make sense. I swear the guy has bi-polar or something. Maybe I should get Donny to diagnose him. Would make things so much simpler.

"Leo you better tell me what the hell's been goin' on, because I have had _enough_," I snarled, staring him down.

He winced as if my harsh tone had physically pierced him through the chest. He opened his mouth twice, three times, fiddled with the ties on his belt. I'd never seen him look so...small. It was almost as bad as when we found him stuffed into that cage all cramped and twisted. That had to be one of the worst things I'd ever seen in my entire life. Even now I have fucking nightmares about it.

"I...had a good reason," He eventually admitted, his voice barely audible over Casey's horrendous snoring across the hall. I actually started laughing.

"You 'have a good reason' for pretending I don't exist?" I scorned in disbelief.

"You don't understand!" He cried suddenly, looking up at me. A flash of anger, anguish, in his eyes squashed my laughter as quick as it came.

"Understand _what_?" I snapped, finally at the end of my tether. I swear to god if he says one more cryptic thing I'm gonna rearrange his fucking face.

"He said it was wrong!" He roared, voice shrill with fury.

He took a step forward, closing the distance between us and scowling straight into my eyes. I've never seen him so enraged before. It was almost like...looking into a mirror. The only clue was Leo's blue mask, crinkling around his fierce expression, otherwise it could have been me. It looked weird, it looked...frightening.

"What was?" I barked, matching his anger blaze for blaze.

"Us!" He screamed, voice cracking and scratching his throat.

His answer made me stop dead. Us. Someone had told him we were wrong. That our entire screwed up relationship was wrong. Hell. I agree with them. It _is _wrong. But I don't give a shit when he's all that's dampening the storm within me and I'm all that's holding him together.

"Who did?" I enquired, my tone now soft.

"Master Splinter,"

It did not come as a surprise. More of a disappointment. I thought he would have been okay. He never cared about anything as long as we were happy. We could have gone out with members of the Foot and he'd have been fine if they weren't murdering us. God. Our father disapproved of us.

I didn't care. He wasn't here now. He didn't always know what was best for us. He appointed Don temporary leader for fuck's sake. He didn't get it. Leo 'n' me, we _needed _each ther. He stopped me from going psycho and I stopped him from disappearing into himself. The romance is a release, a sort of breather, a...a helpline. Without it, well, we just couldn't function.

"I don't care," I rasped, grabbing his biceps tightly.

"How can you even say that? He was our father," Leo frowned, flicking his eyes back down to the floor.

"Think about it. How much longer could you have gone without us?" I appealed, shaking him. There are times when I love this damn stubborn streak, but there are times when it annoys the fuck out of me.

"Not much longer," He admitted quietly, his cheeks tinged pink.

"Exactly!" I shook him again, desperately clinging to the fact he wanted this as much as I did. "You _need _me, this. Splinter just didn't understand it,"

He didn't say a word, just carried on giving all his attention to those damn tiles. I growled in frustration and seized his chin, pulling his eyes up to meet mine. My grip was crushing, bruising, but I didn't offer any opportunity to escape. I leant forward, intent on kissing him again, on tasting the remnants of Claw's ale on his mouth.

I didn't expect him to pull away. He never pulls away, never avoids my touch. He's drawn to it, always striving for acceptance. I couldn't help but grab his wrist brutally in vexation. I never wanted him to shy away from me. I wanted to be the first he turned to. I wanted to be the one to sort his mixed-up head.

I sighed, bowing my head against his collar. I felt him tense but I did nothing but breathe against his throat. I watched the goosebumps rise on his mottled skin, memorised the silvery bumps and lines of past scars that littered his neck. I probably caused a few of them.

"This would have happened whether Splinter approved or not. He's gone. Start thinking of yourself. I don't want to lose you again," I breathed, relaxing my grip on his wrist to delicately rest upon his waist.

"I just...want to know why," He exhaled sorrowfully, slightly moving his head backwards to better expose his throat. I gladly took the invitation, anything to get away from this damning subject. The sly little manwhore.

"It doesn't matter. It's in the past. I just care about you," I whispered tenderly, caressing his flesh with my mouth.

I meant it, every word, but the best part was I finally got him. He moved back, tilted his head and kissed me. I loved Master Splinter, trusted and respected him, but Leo is my future. In my opinion, it is our father who is at fault. If being with Leo like this is wrong, then I don't ever wanna be right in his eyes.

I kissed him passionately back, pushing him against the wall. His shell made a screeching noise as it scraped on the stone but it was swiftly forgotten. It was hot and delirious, worse than earlier after being fuelled by the alcohol. His fingers were careless, clumsy, roving.

I never intended for this to happen. We didn't even give a shit about doing it on the bathroom floor. It was cold, it was uncomfortable, but my god I thought I was gonna explode. His whimpers of pleasure sent new waves of bliss vibrating through my body. I never thought sex would make me feel this unstable, this erratic. A feeling I never wanted to end.

He clung to me afterwards, shaking, overwhelmed. I dragged him up and we collapsed into bed, closing the door to Casey's unassuming snores. It was a strange contrast, having him cuddle me after such raw, sensuous ecstasy, but a contrast I liked. It showed that there was more to this than just a good fuck. What it exactly was I didn't have a clue. But it sure as hell proved Splinter mistaken.

To Be Continued


	8. Chapter 8

A.N: What's this? An update so soon? I must be crazy! Nah, I just really wanted to finish this story before I carried on with anything else. I have more Leo/Raph in the pipeline, plus a potential OT4 (which could possibly be a sequel to this, haven't quite decided yet), and of course more yummy Leo/Usagi. But we shall see. In the mean time, I present to you the final chapter of _My Enemies Aren't the Ones I Fear. _Thank you so much for sticking it through to the end, it really means a lot to me! Much love.

My Enemies Aren't the Ones I Fear

Chapter Eight

Leonardo's P.O.V

Waking up to find my snout pressed against someone's collarbone and inhaling their sweaty, musky scent drove away the niggling headache that was edging through me. It was such a simple thing, but one that filled me with an intense feeling of pride and satisfaction. His skin was hot to the touch from sharing my body heat, and that alone made the demon of desire curl temptingly within my stomach.

I never used to be such a carnal being. Raph and Mike have always been driven by lust and made no secret of the fact they had pleasured themselves in the past. Don isn't so verbal about it, but I've no doubt he's become a slave to his own lust too. I only did it once. Giving into those feelings made me feel guilty, even dirty. I never did it again.

Sex with Raph intensifies those feelings, possibly because the pleasure and the want is so severe, it feels as if I would fall apart at the slightest touch. I've never been able to handle enjoyment. It's always felt so alien to me. The Foot could torture me to death and I would never crack. One touch from my brother and he has me quaking and mewling.

I hate that weakness in myself. That's why I'm always so much more eager to give _him _the enjoyment. I like doing those things to him. Hearing him growl my name and arch underneath my touch makes me feel so...invigorated. I never ask him for any of it. He always initiates it. I'd contest it, just allow him the pleasure, but I'm a slave for his touch. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess.

He had his arm draped lazily over my shoulders, snoring lightly. I gently shrugged out from beneath him. I was clammy, and his body heat wasn't helping. A shower, that's what I needed. I noticed that I'd wanted one the last time we'd had sex too. I needed hot, stinging water to wash away the guilt and the dirt. It was the only thing that would make me feel better. It'd banish the fleeting, steamy memories that stirred feelings between my legs that I wanted to forget.

I snook out of my bedroom and continued to the bathroom. Casey was still snoring like a jack hammer so it must be reasonably early still. The noise was bringing my headache back on, a constant drilling from temple to temple. I enjoy my trysts with alcohol, but the groggy hangovers the next day are a serious setback. And I never even drink that much. God knows how Raph and Casey feel.

The water took a while to kick in and I waited impatiently, rubbing at a bite mark on my throat from yesterday. I sincerely hope it dies down before anyone sees it. I have no idea how I'd begin to explain it. The hot jets spouted from the shower head and I gratefully stepped into them, gasping as the water stung. It felt as if it pierced my very skin.

I've made so many mistakes since abruptly becoming head of my clan. I thought I was ready, but I couldn't have been further from the truth. Yes, I was prepared for our father's death. But I wasn't prepared for headman-ship. That was clear when the only solution I could think of was to totally ignore Raphael. Obviously that was ridiculous.

I thought that if I could avoid everything I felt for him, the feelings would eventually die and I would be able to truly take care of this family. Removing Raphael temporarily from my life seemed like a good idea at the time. But the feelings just grew stronger. His absence fuelled my hunger. I wouldn't have lasted much longer. If he hadn't entered my room last night I would have caved in a few more days.

I don't know what to think anymore. It's true, Sensei's disapproval added a new thrill to the whole relationship, made me want to rebel even more. But a part of me wonders what he'd have done about us if he hadn't died. Cast us out most likely. But if my suspicions about Don and Mikey are true I don't think he'd have been able to turn all four of us away. Because I think he knew we'd leave.

This...new aspect of our brotherhood, I know now it isn't something we can pretend will go away on its own. So as leader of the Hamato clan I am determined to conquer it and make it a fundamental part of this team. The intimacy will give us greater knowledge of the other's body, how it functions and thrives. We will be an unbeatable force under my command, and we will prosper.

I heard the bathroom door open and I didn't need to look to know who it was. I could tell, from his low, measured breathing. When I felt his calloused hands rest on my hips and a warm mouth press the wet skin on the back of my neck I was certain. We were silent for a few long minutes, content enough to just stand beneath the rainfall. I watch the dirty water trickle down the drain. It felt like parts of me were dribbling away with it.

"Another shower, Fearless?" He taunted softly, resting his cheek against my shoulder.

"I couldn't help it. Felt...wrong," I whispered, spitting out the water that fell into my mouth.

I shivered as I felt him trace old scars with his fingers. He has a fixation with them I'd noticed. He'd be quite happy to sit there running his fingertips over them all night. I turned slowly to face him, craving to see his expression. It was tender, unassuming. He hadn't even bothered to take his mask off. The tails hung miserably in sodden rags over his shoulder.

"Sex will always feel wrong to you. You're too ashamed to admit you like it," He smiled. I couldn't help but watch in fascination at the droplets that rolled down his nose.

"Giving into that, just for my own pleasure, it doesn't seem right," I agreed, reaching up to undo his mask for him. If I was laying my soul bare, so was he.

"That's the whole point of it," He argued lightly, turning his head so I could untie the knot. I tossed it to the floor where it landed in a drenched slop against the damp tiles.

"I don't know if I'll ever get used to it," I murmured, allowing him to take me into his arms.

"Hey, we've only done it twice," He hastened to add, causing a quiet chuckle to rise in my throat. "Let me tell you something that will make you feel better," He promised, giving a smooth grin.

"And what's that?" I laughed, clearly expecting some dirty comment.

"Don and Mike _are _together. Don told me yesterday," He shared, watching my face carefully as he spoke.

"Oh!" I blinked in surprise. Then my face erupted into a wide, toothy grin. "That's brilliant!"

He laughed and agreed, burying his face into my throat to nibble and suckle the tender skin there. The water was starting to numb my nerves but the hot touch of his teeth and tongue sent a fire coursing back through them.

"About this aversion to sex. I'd like to get you over it," He announced, his words muffled against my skin. I laughed again, reaching up to casually throw my arms around his neck.

"Is this because you woke up horny?" I wanted to know, wincing slightly as he pulled me closer to him and accidentally bumped our plastrons together.

"Of course it isn't! I just think that it's my responsibility as your second-in-command to help you with this fear so you can become a better leader," He explained, his hands sliding down and around my thighs to cup my ass. Either he was trying to prove his point, or he blatantly knew he was bluffing and was trying to provoke me.

"Who said you were my second-in-command?" I asked, feigning shock.

He actually growled this time and abandoned his assault on my throat to glare at me. It took me all my strength to keep my poker face.

"Just shut the hell up and let me kiss you," He demanded fiercely, leaning forward to still my laughter. Ever the romantic.

"Ew Raph, we have morning breath!" I complained, pulling backwards before he even had a chance. We didn't of course but it was just so funny to tease him when he was so clearly aroused.

"Goddamnit Leo! I've bled on you. I've thrown up on you. You swallowed my-"

"Okay, okay!" I interrupted hastily, chortling loudly at his frustration. "I get the picture," I smirked.

"Good," He grunted.

And I let him kiss me.

It was much better in the shower, I concluded. The water rinsed the filth and guilt from my soul. Raph said it made everything feel a million times more sensitive. And saved a lot of mess. I think now the shower will be a place we frequent often. I was just grateful to feel content instead of tainted afterwards.

If Casey heard us in the shower together, he certainly didn't mention it. I sure as shell wasn't going to bring it up either way. It was hard enough dealing with the fact that Donny and Mikey knew, let alone Casey and April. They were our only true friends. Their disapproval would send me over the edge I know.

We found Casey slumped on the kitchen table, his hair falling around his head in tangled tendrils. The only response he had for our cheerful greetings was a pained groan to flip us the bird. Raph just laughed loudly and got him the Tylenol. I don't know if it means he has a better tolerance for the stuff or what but it's extremely rare whenever I see Raph like this. I don't know how April manages.

I set about brewing the tea. Raph preferred juice in the mornings and I'm frightened that if we give Casey anything other than water his delicate stomach might rebel all over the kitchen floor. Trust me, it's happened. And as I was the least incapacitated right now I would be the one to clear it up. And just because I wasn't crippled by a hangover, it didn't mean I didn't have one.

I took my fair share of the painkillers without question. Experience has taught me to do all I can in the morning. What was a dull ache and slight nausea now would develop into a full frontal migraine and brutal sickness if left untreated. _This _was bed enough. In a little while I'll go take a nap with the lights out. That always helped.

We all looked up when we heard the front door go. Don and Mike shouted greetings and we all relaxed. Casey groaned some more and ranted unintelligibly. Something about 'motherfucker ninjas'. He's so eloquent at nine am. I'm surprised he's even awake. Normally you can't drag him out of bed until at least eleven.

"You all look awful," Donny laughed as he and Mike joined us, his upbeat twitter a complete contrast to what he was actually saying.

"Kettle's just boiled," I informed him as he went to make his coffee. I shouldn't do that. I'm a bad brother. I should threaten to withhold his coffee for mocking us and only give it back when he creates a hangover cure.

"Not to worry bros, I have your saviour right _here_," Mikey sang, bustling over to the counter and dumping his plastic bags.

As if he were unveiling a national treasure, he reached in and procured a packet of bacon, either pilfered from April's or bought on their way home. He held it as if it were the holy grail or something. Just thinking about the smell of it cooking made me want to throw up. Raph, on the other hand, looked as if Christmas had come early. He instantly dived for the stove, turning it on and pulling out pans. Casey even lifted his head off the table.

"Michelangelo, you are a _god_," He slurred, regarding my brother as if he were the messiah. We were all very impressed he could even pronounce 'Michelangelo' in his current state.

"I think I'll pass Mikey, thank you," I drained my tea quickly. I wanted to get out of here before the meat hit the pan. Raph was already getting the oil out.

"Aw, c'mon Leo. A bacon sandwich is the _ultimate _hangover cure! I guarantee you'll feel better in no time. The fatty goodness has healing properties, honest!" Mikey protested, waving the offending packet underneath my nose. I didn't bother highlighting to him all the things that were wrong in that sentence.

"No, thank you," I repeated, flinching. Even in it's raw form it had my stomach doing backflips.

"I'll even grill yours and put it on brown bread. No oil. How does that sound?" He implored, peering up at me with those damned, big, baby blue eyes.

"It sounds revolting," I shuddered, turning to put my cup in the sink.

"That just means more bacon for us!" Raph cheered, reaching over to grab the insulting food from Mike's hands.

Mike was instantly distracted, the lure of junk food too strong. He instantly set about preparing their ungodly breakfast. I caught the soft, caring look Raphael flicked at me and I smiled gratefully. I went to my room instead, closing the door against the sound of sizzling oil. Raph knew I hated the stuff. Didn't stop him from eating it though.

In truth, I felt a little overwhelmed. Should this normality feel so...right? Is there something wrong with me for feeling this content? I'd never felt this happy with myself or with my life, not before Sensei passed and certainly not before Raph and I started this whole thing. I _wanted _to enjoy this. After so many years of living on the edge, of second-guessing everything, I wanted to feel secure about something.

I don't know how long I laid there in the dark. But it made my head better so I didn't mind too much. I would make sure I did some sort of practice later. I hate to miss even one day. I cannot abide laziness. It would be so easy to allow it to take root and fester. Remind me to start integrating Mikey and Donny back into training.

I sat up when I heard a knock at the door. It was Donny, entering with a bowl of something or other. I braced myself for the putrid smell of frying bacon. It hit me like a ton of bricks, causing my stomach to churn violently. I was thankful when he shut the door quickly, flicking on the lights afterwards. I winced at the sudden brightness.

"What are you sitting in the dark for?" He asked in amusement.

"Headache," I answered simply, blinking the dots from my eyes.

"We made you ramen," He offered me the bowl he'd bought and sat next to me.

"Thanks," I took it and inhaled the strong chicken scent, far better than bacon that was for sure. My stomach rumbled appreciatively.

We sat in silence for a while. I ate my noodles quietly and Don fiddled with the loose threads on my bed sheets. He was nervous, I could tell. He was dying to talk to me about something judging by how edgy and twitchy he was. Probably about him and Mike. I swear I'll be supportive but if he starts asking about sex, I'm kicking him out.

"Is everything okay Donny?" I asked lightly, twirling my food around my fork. It was actually really helping. I guess I didn't realise how hungry I was.

"Huh? Oh, yes. Perfect, actually. Well, not exactly perfect, but, you know, all things considering, everything's brilliant,"

"Don," I interrupted his babble patiently. I couldn't help but smile in amusement at his scatty behaviour. "What's on your mind?"

He stopped and sighed, his shoulders rising and falling (in relief). I was expecting a problem of some sorts, but instead he smiled warmly at me.

"Nothing. I just...wanted to tell you that I'm really pleased you and Raph made up," A soft grin here, which almost instantly faded as something occurred to him. "You _did _make up, didn't you?"

Yes. Twice. But I didn't say that.

"Yes. Everything's..." Back to normal again? "Okay,"

"Good. I was getting really worried about you both," He confessed, grinning widely again now.

"Donny," I began again, something else coming to mind. "Forgive me if this is none of my business but...why didn't you tell me about you and Mikey sooner? You knew about me and Raph for ages,"

I have to admit I was slightly offended he'd told Raphael before myself. Did he think I would be angry? I couldn't be happier for them. I'd never spoke about me and Raph to anyone, not even when I knew that Donny knew. It was just too intimate, too embarrassing. But now. Well. I think it's about time we started being honest with each other. If this is something we are going to embrace, we had to understand and accept it.

"If I'm honest with you Leo, it's because I wasn't quite sure about it myself. I didn't want to...ruin it," He clarified, his voice thoughtful as he stared at one of the scrolls on my wall.

I could understand that. After months of skirting around the chemistry between Raphael and myself I had wanted to proceed with caution also. It was something that required finesse, initiating relationships like this. One screw up and it jeopardised the whole family. But if all four of us have coupled up, I couldn't foresee any trouble arising. No, I refuse to see this as a potential disaster.

"I'm...genuinely pleased for you both," I smiled proudly.

"Thanks. The same goes to you and Raph of course. I'm just grateful things are starting to look up," He admitted seriously.

He didn't need to elaborate.

"Yeah, me too,"

Casey left around midday once his head stopped throbbing and he could stand without staggering everywhere. Raph promptly got an angry phone call from April but he just laughed it off. Normally I would have lectured him, but seeing as I'd played my fair part in goading her fiancée into consuming more alcohol than he could handle, I felt it wasn't my place. And April didn't need to know that.

I always hated trying to practice through a hangover. I could feel my arms clumsily dragging through the air instead of gracefully slicing it. It always frustrated me. But I suppose I can live with one day of sloppiness after feeling so content and liberated. It's why I don't make a habit of I it.

Things were quiet now. Mike had some programme on low and Don and Raph were A.W.O.L. In their rooms probably. It's a regular pattern I'm afraid, but one I hope to rectify now. One stage of our lives is over, another is about to begin, so to speak. It's funny, all the time I spent preparing myself for this and now it's actually here I don't know what to do. I think being on speaking terms again with Raph might help.

Speaking of Raph. I was just sheathing my swords, done for the day, when I heard him enter the dojo. I didn't move or utter a word, but stood still as a statue, fighting to get my breathing under control. Then I felt him rest his warm hands on my hips and my breath hitched again. It was a favourite position for him, offered prime throat-biting opportunities.

"Y'just can't leave it, even for one day, can ya?" He teased, resting his chin on my shoulder.

I didn't answer, just concentrated on listening to his measured breathing and trying to match it. The soft caresses his thumbs made on my thighs sent goosebumps rippling through my skin. Instinct made me want to shy away from his touch and chastise him for initiating intimacy when we weren't truly alone. And then I remembered I didn't need to anymore.

"This feels weird," I concluded softly.

"No more hidin' in the dark. Just this," He paused to kiss my neck and I shivered. "Whenever we want,"

It sounded like...bliss actually. A life I never thought I'd be able to call mine. He was kissing my neck again and I didn't want it to turn into sex when Mike and Don could just walk in. I didn't care if we were being honest with one another or not, there were just some things I didn't want to share with my baby brothers. So I turned to face him, pulling myself out of his grasp.

"You'll get used to it," He assured me gently, piercing me with a soft look that almost made me tremble again.

"I know," I agreed simply.

It would be just a case of adapting, I'm sure. Just a case of squashing that irrational fear of being discovered. I just had to keep telling myself that my brothers knew our secret, and not only supported it but indulged in it as well. I honestly don't know whether I was genuinely amused or honestly relieved, but it made me give a quiet laugh, causing my brother to grin widely.

It must have been because he was so pleased to finally see a proper smile on my face instead of a perpetual frown but Raph couldn't help kissing me then. It was hard to believe that this freedom was mine to enjoy. Was this our karma? Were we entitled to this happiness with our brothers after all we've been through? I certainly hope so because I can't let it go again.

He abandoned his affection to start his weight training for the day. I made some joke about him not being able to forget it either but he just blew me off with some gruff comment, refusing to take bait. I just laughed and left him to it. I know better than to irritate him when he has heavy weights in his hands. We have cracks in the tiles to prove it.

Instead I went to the kitchen to brew myself some more tea. I think it's about time Mike and Don started participating in some training again. I understand that they haven't really felt up to it in the circumstances but with things on the mend now I think they would feel better for it. Besides, I miss them, especially during practice sessions.

With a cup of steaming tea to get me through this potentially awkward conversation I went to the front room to tackle Mikey first. Surely he's been getting bored of sitting around all the time, what with his restless energy and all that. I figured he'd be the first to agree. Donny however, may need a little more convincing.

The tv was still on low but instead of Mikey sprawled out on the couch, I found him snuggled up against Donatello, looking as if nothing in the world could upset him right now. The sight made me completely freeze and regard them in confusion. Donny looked totally at ease, one arm around Mikey's shoulders and the other holding a book propped on the couch arm. Mike was nestled against his plastron, unable to get any closer even if he'd tried.

"Hi Leo!" Mike chirruped happily, oblivious to my state.

"Uh, hi," I said intelligently, numbly sinking into the armchair.

I frowned to myself as Mike returned to his tv programme. Why was this sight so disconcerting to me? I'd preached to everyone about how much I supported Mike and Don, but to actually see it made me stop in my tracks. I...I didn't like it. Seeing them together like that was a shock to the system. Did I actually _dislike _it? That would just be...awful of me. No, awful didn't even begin to cover it.

No, I don't think I disliked it exactly. I think it's just that hearing it and actually seeing it are two entirely different things. Here was proof that my family was changing in front of my very eyes and I had to accept that or risk losing it. I'm determined not to let that happen. This is something that should be cherished, not feared. These new feelings should be treasured and preserved, and we would have to work hard to ensure that.

"Are you alright Leo? You look distracted," Donny noted, peering at me over the edge of his book.

"Uh yeah, I just..." I shook my head, focussing on the reason I came in here in the first place. "I wanted to talk to you guys,"

I didn't realise how seriously my words would be taken. Donny wordlessly folded the corner of the page he was on and laid the book aside. Mikey instantly sat up and turned off the tv, fixing me a dutiful stare with those big, beautiful blue eyes. It was a bit weird actually, having their undivided attention like that. I never usually got it when I said I wanted to talk. It wasn't even that serious.

I didn't mean to establish an awkward silence but I wasn't sure how best to approach the subject. I could very easily just order them back to training but I didn't want to force them into anything they weren't ready for. After all, Master Splinter taught and supervised their lessons for so long, it was sure to be unsettling to have me instead.

In the finish, it was Mikey who decided enough was enough and spoke up.

"Dude, if this is about me an' Don being together, just spit it out," He demanded gently, gazing intently at me. I looked up.

"What? No. It's got nothing to do with that," I shook my head, gave him a reassuring smile.

It hadn't at first anyway. If these relationships start interfering with their training, I would have to rethink. I wouldn't outright ban this new-found intimacy of course, that would be disastrous. No, I'd have to devise some new methods, try a new approach. I would find a way around it certainly.

"Awesome. So what's up?" He relaxed, leaning back into the cushions, smiling lazily.

"I just wanted to ask you when you wanted to continue training. It's been over a month now. I don't mean to nag, and I totally get it if you feel you aren't ready, it's just...I don't want you falling behind," I explained sheepishly, looking back down into my tea. Some leader. I can't even look them in the eye when I'm trying to conduct a meeting.

"Man, I thought you'd never ask!" Mikey grinned in earnest, a hint of laughter to his voice. I looked up and frowned again.

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought it was 'cuz you didn't feel ready. Y'know, to teach sessions and stuff," He shrugged, tilting his head in curiosity. I pulled a face.

"_I _thought it was because _you _weren't ready," I argued softly, feeling my face split into a small smile. He was outright laughing.

"No way bro! Well at first maybe, but certainly not now. I've been itchin' to get my 'chucks out again!" He chuckled, pretty eyes sparkling.

"Great. We can start tomorrow then,"

"_I'm _not ready,"

Donny's meek, sincere voice destroyed our laughter.

"Don?" I looked over at him, questions in my eyes.

"I...need some more time. I'm sorry Leo," He murmured. He kept eye contact, and I could see the turmoil within them.

"That's okay Donatello. Take all the time you need," I assured him.

He returned my soft smile, a silent thanks. But he reserved a bigger one for Michelangelo when he placed a concerned, tender hand on his knee. I pretended not to notice, letting them have their moment. I looked away and settled back with my tea. With every show of affection I witness I'm sure it'll get easier. Surely they would feel just as weird with me and Raph?

We sat together for a while. Donny returned to his book, Mikey lounged on him reading a comic and I enjoyed my tea and contemplated the cosmos. I wasn't worried. Don would return to his training when he was good and ready. Besides, seeing Mikey get back into the swing of things might help him adjust. I was pleased Michelangelo was so willing. It made my trepidation easier to overcome.

Raph joined us after a while. Content to just stand behind me and rub my shoulders. He likes standing behind me. Must be a dominant thing. Either way I didn't contest it. It was nice to just feel thought of and appreciated, especially in actions and not just words. It was strange partaking in this affection with Mikey and Don sat on the couch. But they more or less ignored us, preoccupied with their literature and each other.

We have begun to rise above the loss of our Sensei, and I have every hope that we will become a better team because of it. There is no chance that our adversaries will destroy this. It is too strong. I know that now. Master Splinter was wrong to disapprove. It is an unbreakable power that eventually we will wield with skill and with grace. I'm sorry Sensei, but where you sough to destroy it, I will embrace it.

I will make this the Hamato clan's greatest strength.

The End


End file.
